Don Quixote.... only without the hyperbole and windmills... and a lot more cheap wine

Madden Craves Bacon

2006-09-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

I was watching football the last night, which I almost never do. It's just not my sport, and never has been. However, on this particular occasion, I was hanging out with my dad, who is the polar opposite of me in that respect. Such as that he was engrossed in football, as I was reading his newspaper, stealing coupons, and making random small talk about who works more overtime. Around that time the Patriots game came on. John Madden was doing commentary per usual, which has always been interesting to me as I think he's well on his way to mental illness. His commentaries often make about as much sense as George Foreman's recent attempts, which has caused me on more than one pay-per-view occasion to wonder if George was commenting on the current fight or was having a delusional flashback of a past ass-beating. After all, this is the man who named all of his sons "George". Really hard to forget the name of one of those fuckers. While neither is quite at Harry Caray status yet, John still has some really trippy moments. I expect a future game to go something like this:

Al Michaels: John, what do you think the Kansas City defense needs to do to win this football game?
John Madden: Taffy is delicious...
Al Michaels: Astute as always John.

Now I'm just digressing instead of telling a story that takes me about 15 seconds to tell in real life. Anyhow, John was attempting to say something about Peyton Manning, when he slipped and said "quarter-bacon" instead of "quarter-back". My dad insists he said "quarter-back'in", but his hearing isn't so good. I'm going to stick by my initial interpretation of bacon. After all, can't you just picture dreams of bacon dancing through his head during the game? It would certainly explain why he seems to be at least two plays behind sometimes. I leave you with this little MS Paint creation, as I'm bored and it seemed funny to me.

Portland's Fear of Public Urination

2006-09-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

I think that's the catchiest headline I've had in awhile. I just got back from a weekend business trip in Portland, and thought I'd give an extremely biased and possibly offensive evaluation based on my two days in the city.

Observation #1: You guys really like your organic stuff. The veg is organic. The beef is organic. The beer and the coffee are also organic. The resulting BM.... toxic.

Observation #2: I can't navigate your city. I got lost and popped out the other side of Portland somewhere around Beaverton and Lewis & Clark College. I repeated this several times. You make me feel retarded, Portland. I will still always think of Beaverton as Beavertown somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, however.

Observation #3: The urinal/stall ratio is quite a bit different in the Pacific Northwest. The restroom at the airport had at least 9 stalls and no more than 3 urinals. An astonishing 3:1 ratio. I blame your [Oregonion] liberal upbringing on instilling a great deal of shame in public urination. It's a far cry from the typical Kansan restroom, which usually consists of a horse trough surrounded by urinating cowfolk playing swords and a fecal bucket in the corner. The heightened stall ratio might be because of the effects of all that organic food though too.

Observation #4: You've got more emo myspace kids than we do.

Observation #5: I smell better after wallowing in my own filfth than the one guy with the neckbeard does at Mojo's Coffee Den. I just do okay.

It was a nice visit, but it is nice to be back home with my two kitties (Howard Taft and Trixie the Whore). I'm sure once I get a new digital camera (the last one was lost on the San Fransisco trip, some pics uploaded here), I'll upload some pics of them being retarded.

Now That's a Nice Fucking Kitty

2006-08-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

This past week, I adopted a cat from my sister's coworker. Her father had passed away and left 4 cats without a home, and me being sans-pet decided to take one of them in. By the time I got everything cleared with the brother the only cat left was a 2-year old orange tom cat named "Tom Kitty". This name reeked of lame and had to go, so we started calling him "Taft" after the U.S.'s fattest president. Taft is pretty skittish still, but has come around quite a bit (doesn't bolt at the mere sight of me. It's kind of nice having something around the house that's perhaps even more perpetually terrified of life than I (as my early mid-life crisis continues).

Llamas of War

2006-07-31T18:20:00.000-07:00

It appears the Israeli army is using llamas to carry their packs in Lebanon. I figure with all the technology in the world today, if we are going to use llamas in war, why don't we soup them up a bit. We could easily turn a non-suspicious looking llama into a non-suspicious llama that is also a mobile missile launch pad.

Here's a hastily put together MS Paint of my vision.

It's just too bad that most of my ideas will never realize fruition.

Free Crack Give Away At Wichita City Hall

2006-07-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

Why would I ever want to move? The nimrods in this city give me so many good stories.

It's a free crack giveaway at city hall!

Smaller thoughts...

2006-07-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

While helping to think up of horrible nicknames for coworkers last night, I stumbled across this great unfound masturbatory term:

Cleaning the gutters out on my smurf house

I should email George Carlin so he can add it to his list. Enjoy that mental imagery.

An Emasculating Bachelor Party?

2006-06-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends from my high school days is getting married at the end of July. His bachelor party was moved to this weekend to space it out further from the actual wedding, easing the bride's fears that I would somehow ensnare her mate in a scandalous international incident and wind up in a Mexican prison. Perhaps she thinks that if she lets him have one now, that there is still a 3 week litigation window, leaving some chance he could make it out in time for the big day. I still get the picture that she doesn't place a whole lot of trust in me, as she has banned him from letting me plan the party.

Instead his Dad has planned the weekend getaway. Which while this guarantees no major debauchery, it also means that the groom's cell phone is being turned off for the weekend, lest he be placed in time-out. Still, I look forward to our male-bonding exodus to the casinos of Kansas City in the comfort of a gas guzzling SUV. I need this 36 hour excuse to behave badly.

PS. While there are no strippers, it is still entirely possible that I can coerce a slot-machine addicted senior citizen to give the groom a lapdance for a handful of coin. Now that's hot...

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaap Dance!

The Rumours of My Death are Greatly Exagerrated II

2006-06-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Some significant stuff has happened since the last post, which means bullety goodness:

Got back from my business trip to San Fransisco. Should have my photos uploaded to my Flickr account before too long.
Moved in with my brother to a bigger townhouse
Bought a new DLP HDTV so I can get freaked out by Jay Leno in HD (his hands are a completely different shade than his face.... so muuuuuuch maaaakeup)
I'm starting to get to where I'm recording my guitar noodlings a little. I'm starting to get somewhat capable at finger picking, which might be fun for a sort of protest song.
I bought a bar from Overstock, it gives me more excuses to quote Deadwood while I drink

Dissonance

2006-05-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

Ugh, another month has gone by since my last posting. In that time, my lease has come that much closer to expiring. My current roommate is bailing out and finding his own place, which isn't much of a surprise as he was maybe only there a couple times a week. The only sorrow there comes from the fact that he had nice stuff, and now I will have to buy some new furniture and a new TV. In case someone finds out where I live and wants to gank my new acquisitions, here's pics of my soon to be purchased furniture and TV. I assure you this is a truthful representation of my future property.

On other fronts, I might as well not make any plans on the weekend this summer as every fucking person I know seems to be having a wedding coming up. As a good caring friend I owe it to them to make my presence at the blessed event known, even if that means drinking too much booze and making grandma cry.

Deep Thoughts

2006-04-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

"Smarmy" and "fucker" and two words that go together perfectly... discuss.

Easter Recap

2006-04-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

Brother: Geez, look at all the cars lined up to turn into the church parking lot. It looks like a funeral procession.
Me: There was a funeral, but he got better. That's kind of the point.

Less You More Me

2006-04-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. So long that I can't really narrow down a specific focus on a topic. I suppose for posterity's sake I can recount a few of the things that I've done in the past month plus.

Went on first business trip with the company and charged an exorbitant dinner at a Wolfgang Puck restraunt to my company credit card. Yay for ginormous steaks!
Bought a new car. It's a Volvo S60 that looks exactly like this. I'm the most happenin' soccer mom on the upper east side now, bitches!
Went and saw Wilco in Kansas City at the Uptown theatre. Absolutely fabulous venue, I highly recommend going to a show there if given the chance.
Pulled a variety of immature office pranks:

Used an entire roll of clear tape to tape everything on Tenley's desk down
Copied Richard on an email to HR complaining about his penchant for purple nerples that never really went to HR

Generally went out every Rockstar Wednesday, typically attracting the wrong type and repelling the right type.
Become a mySpace whore at work. A far too convenient way to stalk and terrorize your friends.

I leave you know with a nice youtube.com clip of the concert that someone was nice enough to bootleg.

How many times must I start writing a post before I can finish one

2006-02-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks, been busy working, drinking, and making travel plans. On the bright side I found this clip floating around on the internets:

My brother and I still do this dance everytime we hear this song.

The Plan Keeps Coming Up Again...

2006-01-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

My friend and I seem to be in two different camps at the moment. Camp 1: Successful young professionals with few dating prospects. Camp 2: Those stuck in the same dead end job they had during college, but with great relationships. Camp 1 is jealous of Camp 2. Camp 2 is jealous of Camp 1.

We had met up for beer and tato-skins last night at *insert local nondescript sportsbar here* and somehow got into deeper topics than is normally allowed by local nondescript sportsbar ettiquette. Luckily the table behind me was too busy razzing their friend with drunken outbursts of "HEY WAITRESS... WILL YOU BRING ME A PITCHER OF WATER SO I CAN WASH THE SAND OUT OF MY FRIEND'S VAAAAGIIINNNA. THAAAAT'S RIGHT BILL, YOU'VE GOT A SAAAANDY VAGINA. JUST LET IT GO... LET IT GO..." to notice this. The unspoken social norms of the American sportsbar clearly state that you don't talk about:

A) relationships
B) the future
C) feelings
D) rainbows

..and I managed to violate the top three, and probably the fourth if I hadn't killed the topic of Lavar Burton immediately. I'd like to think that I came away from our long and deep discussion with a better understanding of the points we've reached in our separate lives and how we both hope to leave camp 1 &2 for the promise of a bigger and better camp 3. Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning all I could really recall was Bill's sandy vagina. Maybe next time I'll go to a hipster bar or coffee shop next time where people named Bill don't get berrated publically for sandy vaginas. Maybe I'll have something more relevant to post as well.

Awesome factoids of the day:
I got some fresh new kicks
My post title comes from a Built to Spill song I was listening to when I wrote this
I may be technically retarded

Half a pack of cigarettes and a lighter that will not light.

2006-01-19T13:41:00.000-08:00

Since it's the aniversary of my last blog outing, I figured it'd be kind of sentimental to post again. It's been a wild ride since I dodged the boat to Canada. I survived another holiday season with the folks, which isn't really such a great feat as my parents are pretty cool. I got my dad the Deadwood box set for x-mas and we revelled in playing the "drink every time Al says 'cocksucker' game". I got addicted to the game "Guitar Hero". It's a really addictive little rhythm game that has the inate ability to make you jump up and down like you are retarded.

I aslo made a handful of New Year's resolutions, most of which have already been neglected and/or invalidated. Here's a breakdown of some of the notables:

Stop crossing the decency line -- There's always a line that shouldn't be crossed, and the people at work usually say I don't just cross the line, I keep moving it. This resolution lasted a full 10 minutes maybe.
Eat better -- Ever since I read the new study that says coffee is good for you, I've been using it as a crutch that I'm improving my diet.
Work out more regularly -- Ever since I got the company gym membership, I've been using the onsite fitness center as an excuse to get away from the work and go watch episodes of CSI while doing my thing on the treadmill. My unwillingness to work is actually making this resolution quite a bit more successful.
Stop being so lame -- I don't know why I even bothered with this one.
Blog more -- We shall see about this one.

Don't Call It a Comeback...

2005-12-19T14:05:00.000-08:00

Well, it's taken me almost a month to find something worthy of succeeding the Chuck Norris post. This is not that post...

I 've been busy with work a lot lately, or working hard to avoid it. I've narrowly dodged the bullet when it came to going on a business trip this week. It's nice to freeze my ass off at home as opposed to freezing my ass off up North with a bunch of enraged French-Canadians. I would hope if I were to deal with enraged French-Canadians in the future, that I would at least have sunshine, puppies, and rainbows in the background to stem off the inevitable tears.

On the bright side, the parties lately have given me the wonderful excuse to drink too much and then go play in the snow,. In fact, after I get done with this ponderous training class today, I'm going to be all apt to go at it again. It makes me glad that Scott gave me a WWI style army helmet for X-mas so that I'm no longer a danger to myself when I've slogged about in whiskey-tainted egg nogg for the better part of an evening. "Slog" is a fine verb and deserves more usage in this blog.

I actually still have some food preparation to get done when I get home today before the vultures (party guests) slip in. I did some baking last night (kick-ass homemade fudge and some other goodies), but I still need to put the finishing touches on a few things. Yes, I bake. My domestication is progressing at an alarming rate. By this time next year I'll even be putting the toilet seat down. I'm so domestic at this point, that I've even pitched a show to the Food Network (TM) with the tentative title of "Don't touch that food, fucker! It's for the guests!" Due to Rachael Ray having a restraining order against me however, I'm not holding my breath. It may just end up on a late night infomercial slot starring me, George Foreman, and the Bluth "Cornballer". Look for the salad dressing with the creepy face of a guy in a WWI army helmet in you grocer's aisle sometime next year. The whole above paragraph is a delusion of grandeur not to be taken seriously, with the exception that I may someday learn to put the toilet seat down.

Also, since it seems to be that time when everyone has their end of the year "Best of" lists, here's my list of my top 10 favorite albums from the past year:

1. The Boy Least Likely To: The Best Party Ever
2. The Hold Steady: Separation Anxiety
3. Sufjan Stevens: Illinois
4. Iron & Wine/Calexico: In the Reigns
5. Bright Eyes: I'm Wide Awake It's Morning
6. Sleater Kinney: The Woods
7. Antony & The Johnstons: I'm a Bird Now
8. Steven Malkmus: Face The Truth
9. LCD Soundsystem: LCD Soundsystem
10.Feist: Let it Die

Little Known Truths About Chuck Norris

2005-11-21T08:31:00.000-08:00

It's beknownst to many that I have a unhealthy fixation with 80's Chuck Norris movies. While lurking on one of my fav local bandscene message board I came across this awesome list of Norris facts. Enjoy!

Chuck Norris...

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

"Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent."

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris fathered every kid in my neighborhood.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast. That's right, he eats shit for breakfast

Jesus was sent to die for the sins of man when it became apparent that his older brother, Chuck Norris, was incapable of dying

Chuck Norris shot 2pac and Biggie, but the police were too afraid to actually arrest him in fear of being roundhouse kicked and sodomized

76% of all suicides are committed when someone finds out that they are not Chuck Norris

Santa Claus didn't bring Chuck Norris a gift one Christmas. Chuck caught him as he left the North Pole the following year and roundhouse kicked Santa so hard the Earth tilted off it's axis and stayed that way

The Grand Canyon is the result of Chuck Norris' temper tantrum after he lost the election. His platform was, "I'm against abortion, but for killing babies."

Chuck Norris is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

A man once asked Chuck if his real name is "Charles",Chuck did not respond but rather stared at the him till he burst into flames.

"When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane

#1 reason why there hasn't been a major world conflict since the 1940's? Chuck Norris.

On a completely opposite note, I really need to get a new profile pic. That one is two years old and I'm looking even more tardish than I actually am. Happy Monday Bitches!

Do your homework in the dark; Eat your cereal with a fork.

2005-11-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

Wow, my training opus is more or less over. I'm so burnt out that I'm still thinking in hexadecimal and pondering the significance of ASC/ACSQ codes. If the above statement sounds like you, do the world a favor and tatoo "Shameless Dork" on your forehead so that normal society can better identify and flee from you. Here's the highlight reel of what's happened in the last 2-3 weeks.

Dressed up as the Burger King from Halloween and freaked out most women at the club.
Pictures forthcoming.
Educated my trainees/replacements of the level of influence of 80's/90's bands such as Echo and the Bunnymen .
Entertained a visiting German Engineer out for drinks, got him smashed on good Tequila, and nicknamed him Ziggy Friggy (The Bowie of Frankfurt).
Hooked up a coworker with a friend of a friend. Apparantly I can hook up anyone but myself.
Went to Denny's at 3AM in the wrong part of town and wet myself.
Ignored text messages and played video games all weekend, it was deliciously anti-social.

More news likely to come, but for now I leave you with this picture.

Friday is Another Day

2005-10-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

The other day I had the pleasure of being tossed into an engineering crash course at work. If nothing else, it reinforced my initial predisposition that numbers are evil and that I hate math.

Today, though, is a bit more on the quiet side. The only business being discussed in the office is the outcome of this week's football pool and who is going to lose first in the scheduled poker game tonight (which everyone seems to think will be me). However, I plan on throwing off their rhythm be yelling "A Pair of Two's! No one is that lucky you cheating son of a bitch!" at random intervals. I'm not much of a poker player, so I'll be relying on my history of eratic behavior to pull me through.

Tomorrow I was invited to hang out with my sister and roommate once again. They said that they wanted to go "dancing" which more or less entails me dodging the freaks and weirdos I usually attract while they have a good time. Depending on how I feel that morning (the seasonal changes down here are causing me some grief), I might be up for that. Otherwise, I'll sit on my ass and finish watching my Arrested Development DVD's (or my newly obtained Elvis Costello DVD) while sipping tea and miso soup. That actually sounds more enjoyable right now.

If my power-v persists, I will look just like Elvis. Only less cool and talented.

The Logic Escapes Me

2005-10-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

I never noticed it before, but some of the drive-thru ATM's in town are now equipped with braille text on the keypad. Something about this really frightens me. For one, there are no instructions in braille that tell the sight-impaired user how to navigate the menus.

Which leads me to infer two things:
1) The people that thought up the braille on the numeric keypad didn't think of how the interface would really work with a blind person.

2) The Banks are encouraging the blind to pilot vehicles through drive-through ATM stalls.

I've seen "Scent of a Woman" enough times to know that letting the blind drive cars is a really bad idea.

Do not let this fictional character drive your car

See the lonely boy, out on the weekend, trying to make it pay...

2005-10-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

Another week has gone by and I'm happy it's gone. If nothing else, because this load of work-related crapola can be staved off until Monday. At least I'm getting paid my new and improved salary even though I haven't moved into my new position yet. Right now they have me busy training my future replacements to fill my shoes as lazy co-workers. It's rigorous training, partially involving showing them where all the dvd-rips and mp3 files are hidden on the network. I'm sure they'll make me proud.

This weekend is a particularly busy one from me. Tonight I'm supposed to meet some of my co-workers at a local bar for a few, then truck over to the other side of town to go to a meat-market club with my sister and roommate. This is typically not my scene. Bad luck has befallen meat this club, for example:
1) Being hit on by a Chinese transvestite in yellow spandex.
2) Witnessing a bar dangerously creaking from a portly woman doing her best Cowboy Oooogly impression.
3) Having a friend get a piece of glass stuck in her foot.

It's just not really my scene. Next weekend however, Drew should have the poker table he was building surfaced, so I look forward to losing my money to co-workers.

Link of the day: Rock and Roll Confidential's Hall of Douchebags
(I especially like the logo for the band "Disputed")

One Two Three.... GO!

2005-10-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

After much procrastination and a bout of illness, I'm finally taking Jen's quiz. Now Jim can stop sending me death threats and leaving Jack-o-lanterns with butcher knives stuck in their head on my porch. Although the Jack-o-lanterns might be from the neighbors.

three names I go by:
1. Brent
2. B
3. B-Rent

three screen names you've had:
1. goodbye_blue_mondays
2. monkeyskillz
3. Turd Ferguson

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. Eyes that change color according to mood
2. jawline
3. Not much else

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. Power -V-
2. My hobbit-like feet
3. Just about everything else

three parts of your heritage:
1. German
2. Polish
3. Bulgarian

three things that scare you:
1. Americans
2. Mediocrity
3. MPH

three of your everyday essentials:
1. well-worn jeans
2. Coffee and/or herbal tea
3. My new acoustic guitar

three things you are wearing right now:
1. T-shirt that says "Guns don't kill people... people with mustaches do"
2. A khaki blazer
3. A really hideous lanyord/badge thing so I can get past security at work

three of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment):
1. Yo La Tengo
2. Steven Malkmus
3. The Jim Yoshii Pile-up

three of your favorite songs (at the moment):
1. Decatur, Or, Round Of Applause For Your Stepmother! - Sufjan Stevens
2. Won't U Please Be Nice? - Nelly Mckay
3. Somebody I used to know - Elliott Smith

three things you want in a relationship:
1. Humor
2. Mutual respect
3. Bow Chica Wow Wow

two truths and a lie (in no particular order):
1. There is a dead hooker in my basement
2. There is a Cobra Commander action figure on my desk.
3. I've been asked to leave a bar for inciting a chant of "This band sucks balls".

three physical things about the [non-]opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. a nice voice
2. pretty smile
3. a healthy lifestyle

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. music: discovering new music, rummaging through old LP's and 45's, attempting to play guitar
2. reading
3. pretending I'm sophisticated

three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. pull Conan O'Brian's "Walker Texas Ranger" lever
2. steal office supplies
3. send anonymous obscene e-mails to my boss's Blackberry as he's in Jamaica and I'm not.

three careers you're considering:
1. I already have a career.
2. If I had to rethink my career, I would probably say "Humanitarian"...
3. Or "balloon animal artist"

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Venice
2. Tokyo
3. Vancouver

three kids' names you like:
1. Alden
2. Clarissa
3. Don Rickles

three things you want to do before you die:
1. write the great American novel
2. form a crappy bar cover band
3. world domination

Three people that i'd like to take this quiz:
1. Tereeeeeesa
2. Steph
3. Swayer

(Notice the ommission of Pops and MPH as they are too cool for memes)

Trust me, I'm a Professional

2005-09-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

It seems like my posts keep drifting further and further apart. The last few weeks have been busy with the professional excuse I have been working up. I can happily say that it paid off though, and I earned my promotion from lazy co-worker to disgruntled co-worker. Luckily being disgruntled pays better than being lazy, and my chances of having to move back in with my parents are slimmer still.

I'm going to take all that extra money and blow it on shoes...

Oh yeah... Daddy needs some fresh kicks

Pictionary is not for drunk people

2005-09-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

If there's anything I've learned from going to house parties the past couple weeks, it's that board games are exponentially more amusing if you've polished of a bottle or two of wine. The one my particular crowd keeps coming back to is Pictionary.

Normally I'm a pretty decent at Pictionary, however, after drinking I have all the skills of a functionally retarded child who has gotten his hands on a huge crayon.

Below are some re-enacted drawings I created in MS Paint. They were drawn with my off-hand (I'm a lefty) to give it that jittery alcohol-saturated effect.

This is supposed to be a dog.

A Microphone.

It's either a padlock or some crude sex ed drawing.

I got pissed because I was supposed to draw an emotion. Notice how I mispelled Spartacus.

Later we separated into a girls vs. guys teams (dubbed by me the Constant Carls and Cycling Carlas) and made a pile of original challenges. Unfortunately, the Cycling Carlas had a huge miscalculation in making all their challenges for the guys sex organ-related. Guys think about sex all the time. I could draw a sideways 8 on board and the first thing shouted out would be "Baaaaalllls". We gave the girls much harder drawing challenges such as "Power Steering" and "The Hot Carl".

End score: Constant Carls 40; Cycling Carlas 2

Now on my playlist:
The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema
The Aquabats: Charge!
The Jim Yoshii Pile Up: Pick Us Apart

I'm not dead yet.

2005-09-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

The rumors that Jim drove down to Wichita to give me a prison-style shivving were greatly exaggerated. I'll post again soon, I promise.

Until then, explore the Japanese "huge balls on racoons fetish".

Dear Blogging Community, Please forgive me for forsaking you

2005-08-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me lately that I've become a once a week blogger. It wasn't intentional though, I've just had gads of stuff going on. Yes, I used the word "gads" in a sentence.

Here's a short list of reasons I haven't been around so much:

1. My hard drive a'splode -- I've got a new one on order, but my thankless computer finally collapsed under the weight of it's own porn. This kind of puts a dampner on blogging from home.

2. My social life a'splode -- I've been going out an average of 4 times per week. I'm trying to scale this back a bit as it's getting too exhausting. Stay tuned for exciting stories of drunken kareoke and mini-golf with lesbians.

3. Professional woes -- I've been really busy at work getting my stuff together for a possible promotion that just opened up. Two will enter, one will leave. Stay tuned for further updates on me finally making a decent salary (maybe).

Musical Meme Time.... Cause I Gotta

2005-08-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, since Steph "tagged" me, I suppose I have to go on yet another musical rant.

Number of records/tapes/CDs I own:
More than my living space conveniently allows. I recently added even more vinyll to the collection after going to a second hand bookstore and buying a pile from their 3/$1.00 bargain bin. Some that I ransacked were quite classic (Marvin Gaye, early Santana, Mellancamp), but others were not so much (Perry Cuomo, Partridge Family Christmas). The beauty of the not so much crowd is that it is funny to play at parties and such. Pride of my collection right now is an instructional "Twist" record from the 50's with some GREAT pictures on the cover of a Kasey Casem look-alike detailing how to vary up that mashed potato.

First record/tape/CD I bought:
I didn't actually buy a whole lot of music until I was a freshman in highschool really. First album I listened to though was probably "Foreigner - 4" on 8-track. That's right.... 8 track, and I used to skate around in my basement while listening to it. I was a "Jukebox Hero", how 80's is that?

Last record/tape/CD I bought:
"Let it Die" by Leslie Feist. Leslie Feist has one of the most gorgeous voices I have heard. This album is so beautiful and calming. Coincidentally, I see a restraining order from Ms. Feist in my near future.

Last record/tape/CD I listened to:
"Clap Your Hands Say Yeah", their self titled album. So far one of my favorite albums of the year.

Recordings or songs that mean a lot to me (and/or changed my life):
"Autumn Sweater" - Yo La Tengo: I love everything about Yo La Tengo. This song for me has the perfect amount of reverb, a mastery of fuzz, and throaty whispered lyrics.
"Kind of Blue" - Miles Davis: The whole entire album is just an opus of jazz excellence for me.
"Shine On Sweet Jesus" - The Flaming Lips: A jubilant yet spiritual song from a band known for mic'ing a motorcycle onstage and setting things on fire.
"Something I Learned Today" - Husker Du: This song kicks off one of the greatest punk albums of all time.
"Close to Me" - The Cure: It brings out the pasty skinned bliss in me.
"Sweet Adeline" - Elliot Smith: There is so much sadness in his work.
"The Needle and the Damage Done" - Neil Young: Neil Young is one reason I have decided to postpone my plan to pave Canada into the future parking lot of America.
"Sweet Home Chicago" - Robert Johnson: This brought about a deep love of the blues for me, whether the rumors that he sold his soul to the devil are true or not.
"Man Who Sold The World" - David Bowie: playing two notes off a single scale with a little distortion/overdrive.... who would have thought that would lead to one of the coolest intro's ever.
If I had to choose a soundtrack of my life, what 5-10 songs would be on it?:
"In My Garage" - Weezer: Everything in this song could have been written about me in high school. Now I'm a geek that just gets out more.
"Queen Bitch" - David Bowie: If you've seen "The Life Aquatic", you might understand why I might want this one in here
"The Safety Dance" - Men with Hats: Perfect for that montage scene of me fixing up my car or something
"Do You Realize" - Flaming Lips: One of the great Flaming Lips songs dealing with mortality.
"Summer Babe" - Pavement: It's almost a Beach Boy'sy song if you can get past the distortion and off-tune singing
"Debaser" - The Pixies: A song I can shout along to in my car.
"Venus" - AIR: I love me some french electronic loveliness.
"Feel The Pain" - Dinosaur Jr.: I don't really like DJr that much, but this song speaks to me.
"How to Disappear Completely" - Radiohead: As if I was going to let Thom and Co. get by without a nod.
"Learning to Fly" - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Once again, a nod to one of my childhood faves.
"Cold Beverages" - G. Love and Special Sauce: My official getting Krunk song.
"Broken Household Appliance National Forest"- Grandaddy: Good stuff from the Sophtware Slump

I suppose the way these things work is I'm supposed to tag people now. So Teresa, MPH, Pops: you guys are officially it. Rejcoice as that means you don't have to think hard for your next post.

Further Evidence that Women With Mental Problems Flock to Me Like A Moth to the Flame

2005-08-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

This past weekend had some strange events that I myself don't really even know how to communicate. I will attempt to though, through a re-hashed conversation I had with my roommate about it on the following Sunday. For anonymity's sake, I've abbreviated the names to protect those most embarrassed by being associated with me.

C: So what did you end up doing Friday night?
B: Well, I drank and then got smacked around by a heavy chick on the dance floor.
C: *uncontrollable laughter* That stuff always happens to you!
B: It does indeed.
C: So what exactly led to that?
B: Well I was having some drinks with CL and D. CL's gf A had brought along her other friend A in an obvious attempt to hook me up with her friend. She wasn't particularly attractive, but she seemed nice enough. Anyhow, a Prince song came on and she dragged me out to the dance floor. So she starts doing this thing where she pulls me close and then slaps me.
C: Like hard?
B: Not really at first, of course I had been drinking since 6 so my cheeks were pretty numb anyways. I didn't even really notice the first one, but she kept it up. Eventually I had to say, "Look, this is the last time.... no more... Armageddon, Oklahoma or whatever secret code word you S&M people use".
C: *still laughing* What did she say?
B: Oh, she started apologizing profusely at that point... until she did it again almost unconsciously.
C: I would have left.
B: I had just got there and I hadn't seen some of these people for a long time. I kind of hid from her a little bit so she went after K for awhile.
C: Nice.
B: I am the master of escaping.
C: At least they were playing a Prince song and not "Smack My Bitch Up" by Prodigy.
B: For that I am thankful.

AWOL for the Week

2005-07-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not on vacation. I wish I was. I've been too busy to blog lately with all the training and other horseshit going on right now. So here's an obligitory filler pic from the Karate Kid.

The Cyborg Name Generator:

2005-07-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

The Cyborg Name Generator:

Robots scare the fuck out of me. They eat my pills and they've got strong metal hands so I can't get away. Now there's a website out there that will not only tell you what your name will be when the robot hordes scoop your brains into a metal carcass, but will give you a nice little graphical representation as well. From the looks of it, my new robotic unlife will be spent doing tech support on the night shift still. Very insightful indeed. We can only hope MPH doesn't get the robot treatment. Fucking shit man.

This post idea was blatantly stolen from my brother's blog, which he is too good to update more than once a month. Feel free to visit him and tell him how the new Harry Potter book ends.

Potter spoiler bookstore crash

2005-07-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

Potter spoiler bookstore crash

Why do I think this is funny? I'm such an asshole.

Rock Star Wednesday is Currently On Hiatus. All Hail Rockstar Thursdays.

2005-07-07T12:56:00.000-07:00

Unpacking sucks more ass than Richard Simmons. That is a lot of suction, let me tell you. Rockstar Wednesday is currently on hiatus as the bar right down the street from me has a 2-for-1 special on Thursday that I am planning to check out with my sister and her boyfriend. Will Rockstar Wednesday be dethroned? Only time will tell.

Also, I may be on a short blogging hiatus until I get a permanent internet connection hooked up at the house (should be early next week). It's getting harder to post from work as of late, and my status of lazy co-worker is in serious jeopardy.

Today's Rockstar Thursday icon: Jimi Hendrix
Reason: I just learned how to play "Hey Joe", and have started on "Sunshine of Your Love", which was written for Hendrix.

Rockstar Wednesday was yesterday.... but the spirit lives on

2005-06-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

I totally neglected Rockstar Wednesday yesterday in order to get more of my many odds and ends packed away for the move this weekend. In general the packing is going along pretty smoothly. I'm such a sap, though. I've got one entire box that is entirely composed of letters and presents that ex-girlfriends have given me over the years. I've never been able to bring myself to get rid of a single trinket. Not that I like to go through things like that regularly and wax nostalgic, but I just don't feel right discarding something that meant so much when it was given. Now it's in a big taped up box marked "Keepsakes", fully ready to be put into deep storage in my new basement. Le Sigh...

Okay, now that the "touchy feely" moment is over, I can get down to business. While browsing Craigslist today I found a link to possibly the coolest concept cover band ever, Metallagher. That's right, a Metallica cover band fronted by a Gallagher impersonator. Sounds like Metallica.... Looks like TRUTH. The link to their MySpace page can be found here.

Who doesn't want to be splattered in the face with Watermelon during the guitar solo from "Master of Puppets"?

I Dream About Strange Shit

2005-06-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

After a weekend of semi-heavy drinking and cruising around on a riding lawnmower, I had the strangest dream about Tom Cruise being fed some kind of strange growth hormone and wreaking havoc on the states "War of the Worlds" style. Then the Japanese loaned us Godzilla, but he was no match for Tom Cruise's Dianetics-induced powers. However, Nike Inc. then fed Shaqille O'Neil the same growth serum and he beat the crap out of the last samurai with his undefeatable Shaq-Fu style.

Lesson learned? I don't think we should look too deeply into this one, kids. It's fucked up, even for one of my dreams.

In other news, my brother is coming back from his vacation in Santa Barbara/wine country tomorrow. Just in time to help me pack.

Dating in Wichita Sucks

2005-06-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

MSN House & Home - America's Best (and Worst) Cities for Dating

I've always known this to be true, and now there is empirical proof. Number 2 worst city to date in, woo hoo~!

Are We Not Men? (Another Rockstar Wednesday Post)

2005-06-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

It's Rockstar Wednesday and I really don't have anything meaningful to post except that it is $5 microbrew pitcher night at Rivercity Brewery. I leave you now with this sophmoric drinking song I used to sing in highschool:

Do the stuff that buys my beer
Re the guy who pours my beer
Mi the guy who drinks my beer
Fa a long way to the john
So I'll have another beer
La I'll have another beeeer
Ti No thanks I'll just have beer.

which brings us back to (repeat)

There's a Villain in My Head and He's Telling Me to Do Shots

2005-06-20T15:38:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend was fairly uneventful with the exception of me feeling like poop the majority of the time. I was invited out Saturday night by Chang to go watch some import races at the track, but crapped out on him to sit in my hideously comfortable orange chair and watch Jackass the Movie and eat Cheez-Its. Today I feel much better with the exception of a killer sinus headache. It's throbbing and it feels like an aura is coming out of the Power-V. I did a google image search to see if I could find something to illustrate it, but all I've got is what looks to be Bill Cosby trying to levitate a Jello-Pudding snack with his mind. Whatever... it'll work for the time being.

In other news, the search for a new place is over. I found a nice two-bedroom townhome about 5 minutes from work, and dropped off my application today. It's also just down the street from the YMCA where I work out, so it's in a freakishly convenient location. Now for all the fun of packing up my piles of random junk for the move in July. I also heard a rumor that I might be in consideration for a promotion sometime soon. If so that would be quite kickass. If I can get off contractor status and be changed to salaryman status, I can:

Get better benefits
Have more money
Join the work ping-pong league
Have more money

Well, I should be off to audit some online training class (has to be done by Wednesday), so adios suckers.

**Random Unnecessary Update**
I just returned from the men's restroom and there were pubes all over the urinal. I didn't notice at first, and subsequently panicked for a moment. After checking my own though, I confirmed they weren't the right color or curl density to be mine. Still rather gross and unnerving though. Just thought I would share.

Pollen Makes Me the Angry Little Man I Am

2005-06-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

Spring is now in full force here in the midwest, and I can tell as my allergies are making me quite miserable. Most of the time I'm fine if I have a Zyrtec/Claritin, but occasionally, the symptoms get so bad I start to resemble the below diagram.

I was in the middle of watching "Batman Begins" last night when the symptoms were peaking. It's during times like these that I start to go on weird thought tangents. During the whole movie I kept thinking that if I was a supervillain in the Batman universe, I would be like the polar opposite of Poison Ivy. I would kill all pollen-bearing plant life with my touch. Then it occurred to me that would be way too much like "Scorch", the arch-enemy of Kool-Aid Man back in the 80's, and you don't want to fuck with Kool-Aid Man. He's a big ass pitcher of red artificially colored justice that will bust through your wall at the most inopportune times...

The symptoms worsened this morning, as I overslept and basically went to work looking like a homeless person (see above diagram). It's nice having a job where I don't deal with people face to face sometimes.

Can't think of anything else to write at the moment. I think I shot the creative wad with the Kool-Aid Man reference.

/Out

Idle Hands are The Devil's Something or Another

2005-06-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

I'm actually feeling a little on the ambitious side lately, so I'm temporarily putting off my lazy co-worker status and getting a few things done.

Friday night was "Get Krunk and Sing 80's Tunes" night for my 26th birthday (which was actually on Sunday). I was complemented on several instances for my spirited renditions of AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" and some Great White song that I don't recall. Apparently I have that "hair band voice". With my power V hairline, I don't think I could ever have that hair band hair, though. It would end up looking like a really ugly skullet or something, not unlike this guy.

My friend Aaron showed up, but is losing the battle to have the superior power V. His hairline seems to be retreating in less of a sharp arch and more of a rapidly retreating ) shape. It's okay Aaron, at least you won the beard growing contest (I disqualified myself since my face was itching too bad on day 9). I also was tricked into dancing with some weird girl by a friend. Can't remember the details too well, only remember my brother bailing me out by running distraction by doing the N'sync "no strings attached dance" so I could make a hasty exit.

Saturday was a burb' wide garage sale, and I went looking for some pecularities to add to the new place when I move in July. I picked up a couple of really cool vintage lamps and a 60's era burnt orange terrycloth lazyboy chair with matching ottoman. The chair is hideously comfy, and I think I'll be hanging my painting of Bob Marley above it. Later that night, after punishing myself at the gym, I went and watched the Mike Tyson fight at a friend's house. It was a particulary boring fight with the clumsiest Irish boxer I've never heard of. Tyson gave up in the 7th round, even though this clod couldn't knock my mama out. This only furthers my original claim that Mike Tyson was only in it to pay some bills (he made $5 for losing while Chumba Wumba got a mere $150,000 for winning). My claim was even further backed when Tyson TOLD everyone that he only did it for the money in the post interview. I still annoyed my friends by doing Drago impressions from Rocky IV every 5 minutes. The Irish dude was waaay huger than Tyson, but couldn't hit him without being less than 6 inches from him.

Sunday, I started working on a protest song for Larry's uncontest, but my Pop's scale ADD kicked in and I ended up just rocking out with my amp at 11 while playing "Blitzkrieg Bop" on my guitar.

Monday was a torrid day. I finally put off my long procrastinated task of reorganizing my e-mail folders at work. This took me most of the day. Eeeeewwwww...

Today is not so bad as yesterday. Besides getting a decent blog post in, I'm working on getting my student loans reconsolidated so I can save an easy $50 on my monthly payment. I'm also updating my "People Who Pretend To Like Me List" (if anyone's left off who wants on, just leave a comment or sumptin'), uploading DVD's onto the network, and occasionally fixing a customer's problem (one of them being Universal Music in Germany, which I think is Swayer's company). All in all I'm keeping fairly busy. I think I'll even stay on my routine and head over to the gym after work.

I'm out like Flint.

P.S. Visit the Krull Krusher blog and/or rate him on HOT OR NOT.
His current score is like a 4 and that's waaaay to high.

Things I Did At Work Today...

2005-06-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

Played Ninja Gaiden on the nintendo emulator I have hidden on my work PC.
Listened to some new MP3's I snuck in (At The Drive In, New Eels LP, various Flaming Lips)
Watch some new DVD rips we have stashed on our network (some cool art film called "Primer")
Prank called engineers in my group.
Threw stuffed football at engineers while they were on the phone.
Doodled
Made personal phone calls.
Counted the hairs on my arm (lost count at "a lot")
Generally did less work than you.

Who's the number one lazy coworker now, bitches?

My Urine Lacquered Workplace

2005-06-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

It was a fairly productive day at work today, however, one wouldn't think so by looking at my e-mail chain between me and my brother (visit the Krull Krusher blog on the sidebar and tell him to fucking update). It could possibly be the least mature conversation I've ever had with my brother while at work. Here's the e-mail from plant facilities that kicked it off:
*************************************************************************************
Subject: An uncomfortable situation

Our housekeeping people are having some problems with us when they are servicing the restrooms. Please consider the restrooms totally out of service while they are being serviced and cleaned by housekeeping and go on to another restroom. Allow housekeeping freedom from pressure and embarrassment while they are servicing the restrooms so they can do their work thoroughly and without interruption. We have had people complain about the wet slippery floors and that was while housekeeping was in the process of cleaning the floor. If you are in the middle of mopping the floor it is probably wet. Housekeeping has even had men come in and use the urinals while they are cleaning in the restrooms. Please do not do that. That is just too rude and crude to be acceptable in our society.

Please pass this on to others at your crew meetings who may not have access to e-mail and solicit their help and cooperation.

Jimmy Jimmerson
Manager, Facilities
*************************************************************************************
This spawned a series of smart ass comments.

Adam: Was this you???
Brent: No it wasn't me. They peed in the urinal. I peed in the dirty mop water. Big Difference.
Adam: It's all the same to me. Someone's bathroom floor must have smelled like pure pee pee after that!
Brent: I did it to teach them a lesson….
Adam: I guess it had to be done.
Brent: Don't tell them it was me
Adam: Oh I'm gonna!
Brent: I will hunt you down and choke you. Well I guess it won't be too hard to hunt you down, as you live right below me. How's about I rephrase that to, "I will chase you down and choke you".
Adam: You cannot break me. I have the power of HEART!
Brent: Heart is the gayest power ever. All it does is charm the monkeys
Adam: You underestimate that power of HEART my older brother!
Brent: Yeah, well you still need the cool powers in order to form the greatest mulleted super hero ever, CAPTAIN PLANET!
Adam: What, like WIND or EARTH? F*** that!
Brent: Yeah, if captain planet was here right now, he'd mule kick you because he'd think you were pollution or something….

More Weird Shit from America's Breadbasket

2005-06-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

Wichita Eagle | 06/07/2005 | Bizarre burglar disrupts pastor's brunch

Okay, so some dude in my hometown decides to rob a Baptist minister while he is preaching, and is caught post sermon in their house trying on his/her clothes and watching the Karate Kid part II. To me the only thing weirder than that would be to be caught masturbating to Burt Reynolds in Canonball Run II. I wonder if the burglar had already made his way through Karate Kid part I before starting part II. I would have to advise that he skip part III though and jump directly to "The Next Karate Kid". Not that he'll be getting the chance anytime soon. You see, when you are soaking in someone else's hot tub while watching said Ralph Machio vehicle, you tend to leave behind lots and lots of forensic evidence. Just in case catching someone in your shorts isn't proof enough for Kansas courtrooms.

In other news, it's my birthday this weekend and I'm getting old and my friends have no pity for me. Instead they wish to accellerate my decline by making me drink lots of wine last weekend and probably will be feeding me shots this weekend. My sister is prime instigator in this. She will yell "Bitches take shots!" until I do. This is her favorite new bar phrase, and I wouldn't be surprised if she puts it on a T-shirt. I've also received several gifts already that seem to aid in further debauchery. Among them are a liquor pump and a multitude of various shot glasses and snifters.

Also, have been practicing the guitar a lot lately, and have added a handfull of 70's/80's songs to my repartoire. I've also started on some blues scales/progressions and am finding that pretty sweet.

Well, that's enough babbling for now. I've got work to do and houses to look at.

WHOOMP!!! There I Is

2005-06-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I participated in another successfull Rockstar Wednesday last night. I've been trying to cut back on Rockstar Wednesday a little bit since I'm supposed to be saving my cash right now, but the temptations of cheap pitchers and two-for-ones as well as staggering peer pressure from friends caused me to cave in.

**************************************************************************************
Example of said peer pressure:
K: Want to go get a beer after work?
B: Yes
**************************************************************************************

Unfortunately, after enjoying a pitcher at one of my favorite low-key places, she got a call from some of her friends and we met up with them at Emerson Bigguns, aka the "beautiful people" bar. I didn't think it would be so busy on a Wednesday night, but every frat boy with concealer on their face and pomade-dried hair was there with their bleached blonde girlfriends. In comparison to everyone there who was done up to the nines, I looked like a soccer hooligan. Sometimes I wish I had the aggressiveness of a soccer hooligan though, as I wanted to headbutt the guy who kept jabbing me in the ass cheek with his pool cue everytime he took a shot. I have to sit on that ass all day as you well know, and I don't need a pool cue induced dimple in it. To top it all off, I ran into a good friend of my ex-girlfriend (the one who took forever to give me back my stuff). She was unusually friendly with me for some reason. When I was out last Friday with some mutual friends, she didn't give me the time of day and stared at me like I was some kind of yet unnamed disease. Instead, last night I was entreated to a spirited account of how she was serving jury duty on the most boring trial ever.

Delightful.

I will never truly understand the opposite sex. Instead, I am destined to repel them with my tendency to sing along to Prince songs poorly and often.

Thought of the day:
My lanyard/name badge at work is kind of like a G-Unit medallion for engineering nerds.

Discus. **edit, I know this is supposed to be spelled discuss, smartasses. Fucking spellcheck doesn't check context. **

I'm Back Bitches!

2005-05-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

If you couldn't gather from my complete lack of posting, it's been a hella busy week. My trainees have all graduated to their destined graveyard shift (the one I used to work), and I have no one else to pawn my work off on. I was working so diligently at being lazy too. Now I actually have to yell at customers while trying to juggle reports instead of reading books and listening to mp3's all shift. Although, I did manage to sneak in some 3 player Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action on Wednesday after the bosses went golfing. Old arcade games kick ass. I've also decided that company golf league is just an excuse for middle and upper management to abandon their work for at least 1 day a week. Kind of like a senior cut day in highschool.

Not that I particularly care if the bosses want to go play golf, it gives the rest of us the opportunity to hook up video game consoles and royally screw off. Somehow I've managed to still impress somebody at the office as I got a "outstanding employee certificate" with $100 mini-bonus and a $25 gift card just for shits and giggles. I've also had catered lunches several times this week as well. Wally from Dilbert ain't got shit on me. I've been drafted to cover a shift on Monday as we're a 24X7 operation and we have to have someone here in case a dastardly foreigner with no respect for American holidays calls in wanting some product support. I'll get paid double time for it though, and considering that it will be the middle of the night in Cairo during my shift, I will probably just watch DVD's and play video games for 8 hours.

Tonight I'm going to go watch a band with some friends, and tomorrow I have that wedding to go to. My weekend is pretty much all spent.

This post needs more Hasselhoff.

Enjoy the fruit of David Hasselhoff's loins...

Double Booked... The Woes of My Social Life

2005-05-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

I've been a busy camper for the past weekend. After purposely filling my weekdays with a whole lot of not much, everyone blew up my cell phone starting Friday afternoon. I was averaging two parties/social gatherings every night this weekend, and I'm paying for it in fatigue this Monday. Next weekend is already planned out for me with a wedding on Saturday, with other party offers starting to settle in. Hopefully everyone will have these graduation/end of semester/just happy it's warm outside parties out of their system. I'm starting to feel a little over socialized and just want seclude myself in my hobbit hole and watch rock documentaries (just got a wicked awesome Flaming Lips documentary from Amazon).

In other news, it's freaking hot outside and my car's A/C insists on blowing hot air in my face. This angers me imensely as I just dumped a little over a grand getting the whole unit replaced. If you hear on the news/interweb of a Kansan beating a mechanic incessantly with a motorcycle chain, it's probably me. I think this newfound facination with hitting people with motorcycle chains is coming from me watching Walter Hill's 70's street gang classic "The Warriors" twice this week. Also in recent happenings, I'm looking at some townhouses this afternoon with a friend. Sweetness.

Pun of the day:

National Masturbation Month nearing climax.

Dear Help Desk

2005-05-18T11:22:00.000-07:00

Of all my job duties, taking internal help desk calls has to be the worst. Here's a collection of my favorite beauties from this week:
5. The cell phone reception is really bad in the basement
4. Can someone come down to my cube and teach me how to use my laptop?
3. My computer is broken (no further explanation)
2. The envelope light on my phone is blinking
1. My wireless connection isn't working (when working from home where there is no wireless connection)

It's starting to get to the point to where I look to the horroscopes for guidance. The number of stars for the day turns out to be directly correlated to how many ibuprofen I will have to pop to make the throbbing headache go away.

Teresa (Kendo whatsherface on my sidebar) told me on AIM that she plans on going to the Star Wars premiere tonight dressed in her Princess Leia costume. Methinks she will be swarmed by an army of nerds with absolutely no idea how to please her.
***********************************************************************************
Rockstar Wednesday will probably be postponed this week as my car is in the shop. So the next best thing for me to do tonight is just fiddle around with the new Hamer guitar.

To answer Larry's previous question, the Hamer is a wonderful guitar. The setup and action is really nice, and the two humbuckers set up for coil splitting add a lot to the sound. The split single-coil sound is nice and bright, but not quite as bright as a Strat or Tele. Still, if you just want to tap one of the pickups to get that H-S config, it's really flexible. I'm going to take some pics of it and upload them soon.

It's Monday and I Feel Fine

2005-05-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting too much, mostly since I haven't been around a computer long enough to post something. Summer is near, and my social life is picking up even more. My brother is finished with his semester today, which means that he's hatched from his cocoon in the basement and should emerge a sociable fellow. He might even post again sometime in the near future.... shocking revelations. That and our craptacular techno-duo, the Dust Bowl Brothers, may release more hideous techno tracks in the near future, aka when I buy a decent mic.

Tonight, we go to Mort's Smokin' Martini bar to celebrate the end of the semester. We are also bringing Adam's friend David, who is having his last final today. We plan on abducting him from his final early, however this might cause some resistance from our hardy Malaysian friend. It will be as dramatic as the ending scene of "The Graduate", only with David being unwilling to get his ass on the bus. I've been doing rows at the gym though, and I think I could take his scrawny ass out if necessary. Sometimes people should be forced to have fun against their better judgement.

It's Rockstar Wednesday Suckas!

2005-05-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

So it's Rockstar Wednesday once again. This Wednesday the hotspot will be downtown Wichita since it's Riverfestival time. The Wichita Riverfestival is a locally overhyped event where midwesterners gather to celebrate our heavily polluted river. Typically there are concerts, carnivals, and weird events to entertain bored locals and visitors. My favorite has to be the antique bathtub race. It's entertaining in the Deathrace 2000 sense. Especially when someone takes a spill into the grossosity that is the Arkansas River. Best case scenario, you'll come out mostly unscathed with minor rashing and chemical burns. Worst case scenario, previously unkown micro-organisms swim up your pee pee and they have to amputate before you mutate into a C.H.U.D.

I'm going to be prudent though, and stay far away from the river in the comfort of the food court area. There I shall hopefully dine on corndogs and overpriced beer while I listen to some blues-fusion band. After checking the schedule of events today, this was the least lame activity we could come up with. It was either that or the Rodeo/Nascar event. Fuck that.

The Rockstar Wednesday icon of the week is Flaming Lips pioneer Wayne Coyne, as he is a fellow midwesterner (Oklahoma City), and would enjoy these types of activities. Namely, eating a corndog and drinking a beer whilst telling some Darwinian example not to go in the water.

Feeling Kind of Froggy

2005-05-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

I'm too wired to be here today. It's not the coffee, just simply that I have about a zillion things I would rather be doing than working today. Firstly, "The Life Aquatic" came out on DVD today and I want to ensure that I can both purchase and watch it tonight. Wes Anderson films rock my world. Secondly, according to the UPS website, my new guitar has been delivered to the questionable safety of my porch. This makes me nervous as the homeschooled looney my brother and I refer to as "that kid with the helmet" might think it would make an interesting addition to his makeshift skateboard ramp. If so, he might be further referred to as "that speedbump in a helmet".

I think some of this aggression is coming from the fact that I've restarted my health kick this week, and my body is rejecting the grilled chicken and steamed vegetables I force fed it today. It is probably also pissed I'm forcing it to work out at the gym after work tonight.

Pissing off MPH part deux

2005-05-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

Ben: So you want to procreate?
Jennifer: Sure

Chance Encounters and Other Random Topics

2005-05-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

I'm drinking a gin and cranberry as I write this. At least I think it's gin and cranberry, when I was reaching for the bottle in the liquor cabinet, I didn't have my glasses on, so it might be rum. Anyways, so I've returned from an exciting Thursday night of watching movies with Teresa and Charles. I got to pick out the movie, and being in the weird mood I'm in, I picked out an old favorite, L.A. Story. I kind of dig the vibe of that movie, especially the chance encouters andthe whole surreality/ offbeatness of the surroundings.

We kind of got on the topic of talking about serendipity and how you will find the person for you when you least expect it. That's how I've always stumbled into relationships anyways. I'm extremely lousy at persuing relationships, so the majority of the ones I've been in have just kind of happened. Serendipity can be both a blessing and a curse, though. In the case of our friends Shane and Karey, their meeting was probably not unlike the meeting of the Keymaster and Gatekeeper of Gozer in Ghostbusters. Tragedy is just waiting to happen there.

Well, I do believe I'll be going now to have another mystery liquor and cranberry and strum the guitar a little. I think I'm progressing pretty well considering I've only been playing for a couple months. I'm finding a lot of amusement just in putting together the only chords I know (major and minor open chords) in neat little melodies and chord progressions.

I'm out like Jim West.

Work Related Rant Warning

2005-05-03T13:19:00.000-07:00

I never cease to be amazed at how dumb some systems administrators are. This particular systems administrator I'm about to complain about works for a fortune 500 company and is in charge of millions of dollars worth of our enterprise-level equipment. That said, I just got a call from her that I would understand if I worked for AOL. Here's a brief summary of the call.

Her: Hi, you send host sofware?
Me: Yes, that is a CD image of the version of the management software you needed.
Her: I can no install!
Me: Pardon?
Her: It's an ISO file, what's that? I no can mount!
Me: It's a CD image. You have to to burn it to a CD.
Her: Okay I'll do that.

(She hangs up and calls back about an hour later)
Her: I can no figure out how to burn the ISO.
Me: What are you trying to use to burn the CD?
Her: EZ-CD

(At this point I start to get a little peeved, as I'm predicting she's going to ask me how to use EZ-Fucking-CD creator.... the program my grandma can use. Keep in mind she's a systems administrator for a fortune 500 company and probably makes a factorial of my salary. Not to mention, this is the first IT professional I've run into that has never burned a CD.)

Her: Can you tell me how burn the CD?
Me: I'm really not supposed to. I'm support for the unit you purchased. It's really quite well documented in the application help file how to burn an ISO.
Her: ...........
Her: Can I just download program?
Me: You did, I sent you an FTP link to the ISO file.

The conversation went on for a good time longer than it should have after that. The problem resolution ended up me burning the ISO for her and fex ex'ing her the CD overnight. May the Lord have mercy on my soul, that's usually why I don't post on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Days that begin in T are Tard days, and I didn't want to get in the habit of posting about my Tard Tuesday. Tomorrow is Wednesday though, so hopefully the tards will go into hibernation and I can post something less angry and more meaningful.

What's the story Morning Glory?

2005-04-30T16:47:00.000-07:00

I'm actually having a much more colorful weekend than I had originally planned on, which is kind of a pleasant surprise.

Friday night was designated as hang out with the co-workers night. More or less, my entire department showed up to shoot some pool and drink a few pitchers at some new sports bar by my workplace. I kind of like the idea of kicking back with the co-workers. If one of them decides to go on a murderous rampage do to all the work stress lately, they might spare someone that they go drinking with on a regular basis. Or so I hope.

If there was a downside to last night, it's that the co-workers got to witness one of the unfortunate side-effects of me drinking with them: the sing-alongs to 80's songs. After a few sing-alongs, some of the "ladies" (I'm using that term lightly), that one of my co-workers brought along started going off on the music choice of the barkeep (mostly complaining about the fact that they were playing quite a bit off of U2- The Joshua Tree). So, they went up to the bar and hammered on the bartender until he played some "ghetto music". So they got him to put on some Ying Yang Twins. Moment of clarity: for every Biggie and Tupac that were taken from us too soon, there are five Little Jon's with accompanying entourages.

When I was actually playing pool, I managed to clean most of the table on Chang (my streetracing coworker: too fast, too furious), all while exclaiming "I'm a hustla baaaa~by" in my most demeaning tone. I then proceeded to scratch on the 8-ball. I think this is somehow a metaphor for my life.

Tomorrow, I was invited to go play cricket with some South-African folks I used to work with. I don't even know the rules for the game, but saw part of the championship televised on the ocho. I figure it will be a nice opportunity to get some fresh air and culture myself a bit. That, and the fact that they always seem to bring a lovely assortment of food and wine whenever we do something.

In other news, I won an auction on e-bay today for another guitar. This one while used, has some excellent modifications on it, and I think will have a lot of character. It's a archtop-double cutaway (kind of a Les-Paul style) Hamer with some Tom Anderson coil-tapped Humbuckers and Sperzal tuners added to it. I'm quite looking forward to getting it. I'm even thinking of giving my guitar a name in the BB King tradition. You can check out a pic of it here.

I'm out like Seacrest.

Not a Very Exciting Rockstar Wednesday

2005-04-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a bland Rockstar Wednesday so far, so you get this picture of a bland wannabe "rock star".

Not very much interesting has happened today, although I did troll through my old saved jpeg collection and found a picture of this guy.

What weirds me out most about this image is not his tired anti-gay message, but the fact that he appears to be holding a wide-band SCSII cable (the same kind my company uses in our storage arrays). I suppose the cable is supposed to intimidate homosexuals into "finding jesus", but I'm really not sure how. The only thing I get from looking at this pic is the urge to go back into my storage cabinet, pull out one of those cables, and shake it menacingly at my cube-neighbor.

Hope the rest of you are celebrating rockstar wednesday in a more appropriate fashion than me. It appears I will be taking this Wednesday off to go have coffee with a friend instead of tearing up the town.

I just want to dance!

2005-04-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

Discuss...

The Brent tries to piss MPH off by mentioning Affleck and Garner post

2005-04-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

New York Post Online Edition:

Looks like Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Garner. Whoopedie doo!

Aren't they the cutest little couple

Oh, don't forget to visit the blog lovingly referred to as "Heightened Thoughts" to rub it in.

Just Another Rock Star Wednesday

2005-04-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

Well, once again it is time for my new semi-regular mid-week romp, Rockstar Wednesday. I don't know where my destination will be on this fine Wednesday, but getting there is half the fun. Not sure if you want to participate in a Rock Star Wednesday of your own? Well just check out these testimonials:

"If I didn't participate in Rock Star Wednesday, I'd be sitting at home and watching 'Lost' like the loser I am" -- Matthew "Gootch" Goolsby
"We should do this every Wednesday" -- Kandi, Rockstar Wednesday co-founder
"Why didn't I think of this!?!?" Pete Townshend of the Who
"I'm glad other people are participating in this stepping stone to alcoholism" -James of CTRL-ALT-DESTROY fame
"Fuck, Shit, Retard!" - MPH

Oh, and if you can guess this week's Rockstar, you might be up for the Nissan Sentra that MPH has yet to give away.

Extremites and such

2005-04-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

WSOCTV.com - Irresistible Headlines - Christian T-Shirts Carry Extreme Messages

Christ in a dumptruck. When I saw this link on Fark.com, somehow I knew my lovely state would be involved in this. You see, in our state we have more Exxxxtttttttrreeeeme Christians that other red states, or at least that's my theory. Need some examples?

1. Fred "God Hates Gays" Phelps
2. Six Flags Over Jesus - It seems local churches here are all trying to one-up each other on who can build the largest solid gold cross. Already, most of these can be seen from outer space.
3. Senator Sam Brownback (see linked article for a multitude of reasons)
4. Anti-evolutionaries are right in my backyard

I'm usually not one to banter on about religion, because I think it should be a personal matter as opposed to the public spectacle it becomes. However, this religious right horse and pony show has amassed one gigantic pile of dung in the past few years. What would Blog-Jesus do?

Not to be outdone by Steph....

2005-04-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Here's my quiz results from the dialect quiz.

Your Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English

35% Yankee

10% Dixie

5% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

I'm only about 15% redneck. That's more than a little progressive for my state.

So You Want to Party Like a Rockstar?

2005-04-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

According to my friend Kandra, Rockstars always party during the middle of the week in order to avoid crowds, ect. So now we have recently formed the tradition of Rockstar Wednesdays. So you wanna be a superstar? Then come out with us on Wednesdays.

My Endless Numbered Days

2005-04-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

It's 11:58 on a Sunday night...

And I still owe MPH a few freebie promotions, so
visit Heightened Thoughts or I'll kill your dog.

Some of you faithful bloggers have wondered why I haven't been posting constantly lately and/or been stalking your blogs as I would have liked to. The reason as some of you may have guessed, is that real life has kicked me in the nards. I was down for the count, but the throbbing has ceased and my breathing has returned to normal. Credit for the above analogy goes to a cheap bottle of wine (austrailian pesticide.. yummy) that is perusing my bloodstream thanks to another round of the "Deadwood drinking game". Speaking of which, tonight's episode had lots of "interesting" plot twists. Ask Pops about Bullock's horse for more details.

The largest reason I haven't been posting so much, is my employer thinks that I am a beast of burden, one in the process of being driven to death in order to cross the desert of lost profits.

The other is social obligations now that my chiro-friend is settled in. I went to have drinks with him, his gf, his sister, and some of her friends/co-workers last night. Being the new one in that social circle, I pretty much got to sit back and drink beer while watching my friend be obnoxiously cute and affectionate with his gf. If I had to make up an adjective for the situation, it would be vomitous. He seems determined to hook me up with someone this upcoming summer, but I kind of wonder about his taste sometimes. I think he would hook me up with Sandy from Grease, pre-makeover, when I would probably be more suited to Sandy from Grease post-black leather makeover. The main reason for this being, that when I'm stuck around "goody goodies" I tend to reflect on my own faults and imperfections as a citizen of this fine state. In some social circles, believe it or not, being a sardonic dirty-minded foul-mouthed culture-geek is not an asset. All in all though, the weekend was a bust. Thankfully one of my favorite local cover bands is playing next weekend, and my usual crew will be available to watch me sing along to a happening cover of "Brass Monkey". You know you are jealous.

Oh, and if you can guess which album my post-title is a play of, MPH said he'd buy you a Nissan Sentra.

Olivia Newton John is hotttchachacha~

We can play a Stones song, sitting on a fence.....

2005-04-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

.....And it'll sound pretty good, til I forget how it ends

My chiroprachter buddy moved back into town last week in order to start up his practice here. Last night he stopped by to sit on my porch and drink beer with me, just like in our college days, and our pre-college days. Come to think of it, most of our post college days are spent like that as well. Anyways it was nice to be able to confide in a friend again, instead of being the constant confidant and/or Wingman. I got the whole "things are going to look up for you" speech, which I would like to believe. In any case, it's nice to be reassured sometimes.

I also find myself watching an abundance of movies lately that involve an "everyman" type character. I watch "Ghostworld" for the umpteenth time last night (which in a way freaks me out, as my ex has always looked clost to identical to Scarlett Johansen in that movie). I really dig Steve Buscemi in that flick. Today I bought "Sideways" and just finished watching it again about an hour ago. I enjoyed that flick ironically, with a glass of cheap boozer wine from Australia. If I were ever to design a wine bottle, it would look like a brown paper sack.

Oh, and everyone needs to visit the blog a few people lovingly refer to as "Heightened Thoughts". Not because I angered the "Blog Jesus" and am punished to refer to "Heightened Thoughts" all week, but because it will make a stark difference in your life.

Stay tuned tomorrow, when I shamelessly promote a certain persons blog(s) and talk about his Daniel Baldwin fetish. It will be hottttttttttttttttttttttttq (extra t's and silent q for added emphasis).

Morning has come, and she is calling me to sleep

2005-04-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

I need to stop consuming so much caffiene in one day. It kept me up all night last night. When I finally did manage to fall asleep early this morning, I ended up having bizarre dreams again (much like the weird Top-Gun dream of last week). This time I was some type of Real Estate agent, and for some reason I couldn't find a house with a big enough doorway for Shaq to walk through.
Ironically enough, as soon as I make it to work I am filling up my coffee mug to the brim. I'm dragging ass and need that extra little boost. Caffiene is a harsh mistress...

In other weekend happenings, I've been put in awkward wingman situations all this weekend. Stuff like that makes me want to retire my "best wingman in Kansas" moniker. For once I would just like to go out for a beer without having to make special allowances for friends.

Vengeance is mine!!

2005-04-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

I've never been much of one for April Fools day. Spite and malice have never been appealing as a celebratory holiday for me. That is until today. When I got to work today, my coworkers had emptied god knows how many packets of salt all over my desk. Since my desk is a nice white color anyways, I didn't even notice until I got my forearms coated like a big hairy McDonald's french fry. I suppose I should feel somewhat lucky. My co-worker AVT had everything in his cube turned upside down. I still don't know how they got his flat panel monitor to balance inverted like that. My brother had a screenshot of his desktop taken and set as his wallpaper, after they had removed all toolbars and icons from his desktop. He said he kept trying to pull up the start menu while everyone laughed at him. My prank against my co-workers was a simple yet effective one. Since we are taking Help Desk calls now, we are also processing contractor termination requests (cleaning up email accounts, NT logons, ect). I happened to make myself a nice little gmail account under the HR lady's name. Then I copied the template and email signature she used and sent in a nice termination request with everyone in my department's name on it. The look when they went to process their own termination is priceless.

In other news, last night I didn't have to pay my full bar tab once again. Only 2 of my 5 Guiness/Black & Tan's made it on the bill. Craig and his gf both swear it's because the waitress had a thing for me. I call bullshit and say it was just gross negligence on her part. History will be the judge.

I won an oil painting on e-bay today. Quite bitchin'! I'm turning into an e-bay addict.

RIP Mitch

2005-03-31T15:45:00.000-08:00

Entertainment -- TwinCities.com

Mitch Hedburg was one of my favorite comedians. He had the deadpan one liners, the same kind pioneered by Steven Wright.

"I like escalators because they never break down. They can only become stairs"

RIP Mitch. I saw you on tour with Lewis Black and you kicked ass.

First Day of My Life

2005-03-30T22:22:00.000-08:00

I was feeling disconnected from the world today, so I called up my friend Kandra after work to see if she would be up for some beer and conversation. I already knew the answer would be yes before I called her. Kandi is one of those people who has a perpetual exuberance for life that can only be matched by a child. She didn't even get pissed when I mentioned the sidewalk chalk drawings of rainbows on her driveway looked like the Apple Dumpling gang had a turf war She laughs at my lame jokes, listens to my complainings, and talks with enthusiasm about whatever topic springs to mind. She is a beloved friend who never ceases to remind me to enjoy life as opposed to wandering around in my own introspective nightmare.

As I got in my car to go home, the song "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes popped on my CD player. Thanks for the wake up call, Kandi.

Matador Records | Yo La Tengo

2005-03-30T15:34:00.000-08:00

Matador Records | Yo La Tengo

I'm going to go buy this pronto. Yo La Tengo has always been among my favorite indie bands, and now I'm treated to a 3 disc set with their "hits" and unreleased material. If you've never partaken any Tengo, you are missing out.

I wish I had more to report today, but I'm kinda stuck in a general malaise. I wonder how many hours of my life I've wasted just drifting in thought. Oh well, if you want to go read something cool, check out my brother's new post. It's got penis-shaped cookies, you can't go wrong with that.

Lucid Dream?

2005-03-26T21:58:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that I was sitting at Denny's with the Righteous Brothers, eating a bacon cheeseburger, and discussing how their role in the soundtrack of "Top Gun" revitalized their career in the 80's.

I'm not big on analyzing dreams, but I'm sure it's deep and meaningful.

This is my shortest post ever.

Rock Me Amadeus!

2005-03-24T12:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the uber-crappy techno tracks have uploaded to my temporary host. I'll probably keep them up there semi-permanently, bandwidth permitting. They are in WMA format, so you Mac users may have to download the WMA codec to give it a listen. I tried to put them in MP3 format, but my lame Lame encoder doesn't seem to be up to the task right now.

Mack Mahogany --originally conceived about a retarded kid with a boner
Chain-smoking Bus Driver --an ode about Adam's bus driver on his class trip to Germany
Warble Warble -- we listened to a lot of Mr. Oizo back in the day m'kay
Fun with vocal samples -- spot the lame sampled vocals
High School Biology Teacher -- another Adam inspired track (okay so he did the most work)

That's all for now. Maybe if I want to rape more ears, there will be further collaborations.

Hot Item for the Day:

Schecter 006 Blackjack

(I wants)

Ch-Ch-Changes

2005-03-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

Well, those of you who have seen my new profile pic, might wonder what fucking drugs I was on in that picture. Truth be told, that pic ended up on the crappy numetal band's website (from several posts ago). I was getting bored with looking bored, and I put it up until I can get something else doctored up. I wish more of my killer metal posing ended up on the site, though.

It also appears that I am banned from watching NCAA games with my family after my impromptu performance during the KU/Bucknell game. It was kind of sad watching KU losing in the first round, it was the first time that had happened in my lifetime. Yet, I was endlessly amused at the horrible 3-point shooting by both teams. KU had missed 5/5 3-point shots, but what amazed me was Bucknell's insistance on a 3 point attempt every possession. It became so absurd that my brother and I kept shouting "Go for the Tre!" no matter who had the ball. This pissed off everybody. Eventually, we had to tone it down a bit and just make facial contortions and hand signals mimicing the Bucknell coach every time he signalled for a 3-point shot or was just plain pissed. We took pictures of some of those expressions and will post them soon.

Also in recent events, my brother and I also found the CD we made of our excrementally shitty techno collaborations. I had mentioned in one of James's comments that we had made some crappy techno in the past, and he had reccomended that we call ourselves the "Dust Bowl Brothers". Look for a download of the Dust Bowl Brothers demo soon.

More Sharks = More Drama

2005-03-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

Several other people (MPH/Insane Preschool Mom) have beaten me to the punch as far as posting about the revolutionary new made for TV movie, Spring Break Shark Attack. The movie looked fairly interesting as crap movies go, but my brother and I have found a much more interesting scenario. Instead of a crappy fictional tale of paid-actors posing as spring breakers, I say let's turn it into a reality game show. Real college students, real sharks. Whoever survives in the shark tank the longest gets a Saturn Ion (hey, it worked for Real World Vs. Road Rules). There has to be at least some semblence of danger, because face it, safe kids = bad television.

In other news, I got krunk this weekend and danced my legs off to classic motown jams at the 80's bar. Then I woke up the next morning and fed my hangover with pancakes at the Cracker Barrel. Good times. Cracker Barrel coincidentally is down the streeet from BTK's house. One of the people who passed out on our couch from the night before, wanted to see BTK's house. Just to mess with her, we drove down a random street and pointed to a random yellow house. It's fun to mess with with her.

Before my ADD kicks into overdrive, here are the answers to the quiz from last time.

"OK, it turns out we don't have very much geek running through our collective veins... which is strangely both sad and comforting at the same time. Since nobody actually got all of the answers correct, I will choose a winner using a sophisticated highly-confidential algorithm and present the semi-decent prize to the winner.

Captain Kirk v. Gorn

Kirk, duh. And with rocks and a piece of bamboo, no less! He's like Macguyver... only he didn't even need duct tape to off the giant green lizard creature.

Anakin Skywalker v. Obi-wan Kenobi

Something of a trick question... but since I referred to him as "Anakin," the reference was for the upcoming movie (our only real reference point looking back to the first movie is to call him "Darth"... oops... did I just spoil the obvious?). Obi-Wan by KO in the 12th round.

Spock v. Horta

This question allowed for 2 possible answers. While technically a tie, since a negotiation was worked out between the humans and the silicon-based rock eating creature (reference "no kill i"). However, it would be no stretch to consider this a solid victory for the logical superiority of Spock since it was his tactically superior decision to use the Vulcan Mind Meld that led to the truce. Victory goes to Spock.

Chewbaka v. Spangles Deluxe Combo

I was castigated for my (mis)spelling of the name 'Chewbacca.' For this, I must apologize. I had originally spelled it correctly, but did a Google to make certain... and Google's "fuzzy logic" offered me the alternate spelling as a "correction." With regard to the battle, while Chewie is quite an imposing figure, and could easily tear through just about anything put before him, his species prefer fowl over beef, and so would almost certainly go for the Turkey Club or Buffalo Ranch Chicken on pita. Winner-- Spangles Deluxe Combo.

Captain Kirk v. Luke Skywalker

If you have to think about this one, you've already lost the quiz. Somebody emailed me asking whether we were talking about the ST:TOS Kirk or the movie Kirk. On the surface, this might seem like a reasonable question... but it really just reveals that the questioner is a neophyte in the world of Sci-Fi. The only Kirk you might have to be worried about is the ST:G one. This is the movie where he (seemingly) falls to his death in a battle with the devious Soran. But think about it... he'd been living in a dream world for who knows how long, he didn't have a good breakfast that day (eggs were burned), and he was forced to fight along side the wimpy (though strategically capable) Pickard-- in a fight, that's worse than being by yourself. So you can see how he might not have his best day.

All of the above is factual information and can be scientifically proven. Any ideas to the contrary are simply wrong. ;-) "

--Kenneth, Krull's boss

There are no times that don't have moments like these.

2005-03-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. It was fairly uneventful (had a couple beers with friends), but there are still a few things I wish to comment on regarding the occasion. What the fuck is up with green coloured beer?!?! I simply don't understand why everyone gets a little excited when somebody adds a few green dye drops to an otherwise typical pint of beer. Especially when it's to the point where if I have a logically coloured beer someone is chasing me with a dye bottle to give it that green festive glow. Only I don't give a crap about being festive. If it doesn't add anything to the flavour, texture, ect., I don't want any. Besides, what if there are roofies liquidated in those little green drops? I can't say I want the 5-10 second shock of wondering why my pee is glowing kryptonite green later that night/morning either. I'm pretty sure if you asked someone in a REAL irish pub for green beer, that they would take you out back and kick you in the head repeatedly.

My brother sent me a fun little quiz the other day that someone in his department made. Had I gotten the results in earlier, I could have won a limited edition Star Trek canvas of William Shatner. Here's the quiz if any want to take a crack at it:

The first person to correctly identify the winners in each of the following battles wins a semi-decent prize...

Captain Kirk v. Gorn
Anakin Skywalker v. Obi-wan Kenobi
Spock v. Horta
Chewbaka v. Spangles Deluxe Combo
Captain Kirk v. Luke Skywalker

Stay tuned for answers later...

In other news, I've updated my "People who pretend to like me" list. If your blog was left off my list and you wish to pretend you like me, please let me know and I'll remedy that.

Random Musings

2005-03-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was once again called in on my duties as the best Wingman in Kansas. One of my best friends has just started dating a girl, and was sequestered to go on an outing with a group of her friends, most of which he hadn't met before. Enter the Wingman. My duty: to make sure this fine timid fellow doesn't get eaten alive by this pack of dubious women.

So her friend plays in this band, and Craig was supposed to go to this bar and watch them with her friends. So far so good. I enter the bar and notice it looks like all the roadies from Judas Priest's reunion tour have decided to set up camp here. No worries so far, I've been in worse places. I've been to hip hop clubs in the wrong part of town before; with metal detectors on the outside and people fashioning makeshift shivs out of toothbrushes on the inside. Once I meet up with Craig and his pseudo-girlfriend, we got some beers and listened to her friend's band. Her friend's band unfortunately, was some horrible numetal crap. It was bad enough that it made Linkin Park sound as classic as the Beatles. There was also the world's smallest mosh pit up by the stage. There couldn't have been more than 4 people, noticably three skinny-short white guys with a tall butch woman in the middle. I knew that if I approached the stage, my spine would have been folded into a pretzel shape by the trucker-looking woman I will refer to as "Big Wheel Betty". I did learn something that night though:

NuMetal is still alive and kicking in Kansas
Mosh pits look just as ridiculous as they did in high school
Sometimes you can tell just by walking into a place that the beer will taste like piss

The next day I picked up a new practice amp since my other one sounded like a cardboard box filled with pissed off snakes. I'm pretty happy with is so far, I can actually practice my chords and scale changes since I can now tell when I'm playing broken notes.

In other news, today is "White day" in Japan. On Valentines today in Japan, the women present their significant others with chocolate gifts. The women have to wait until "White Day" until it's the men's turn to present them with chocolates. The Japanese need to learn to concatenate their holidays. One Valentine's type holiday is retarded enough.

Also my departments at work keep getting consolidated. Now I'm having to do 3 different job descriptions (Internal Help Desk, Product Support, and now Pre-sales). As a result, my normal pensive thoughful profile pic is going to be taken down in favor of a less inspired pose. I may post a happier pic if I find out I'm getting more money.

2005-03-11T18:32:00.000-08:00

Blogger comments aren't working and it pisses me off. I would like to remain in MPH's camp and not go to HaloScan, but if this keeps up I may have no choice. You see, an important part of my work day is spent scanning blogs and commenting frequently inbetween tech-support and pre-sales calls. In fact, those of you who have site-meter probably notice I check pages with the tenacity of a stalker with a hefty food/water supply. I used to try to read books in my downtime, but it seems I end up reading the same paragraph over and over. Since I'm still stuck reading Seven Types of Ambiguity, it also seems I'm having to look up the same big-ass words on Dictionary.com every time also, which I attribute to Pop's-like level of ADD. Here's a list of things I've done to fill the time today as I haven't been able to comment:

Counted how many business related e-mails I've sent. So far I've sent over 300 e-mails this week. Shizzat, that's not even counting my personal e-mails.
Memorized some chord charts to prepare for my guitar lesson tomorrow.
Threw nerf footballs at co-workers who were minding their own business.
Deflected counter-attacks of nerf footballs with my head
E-mail co-workers about midgets in pink socks (sad but true)
Listened to waaaaaay too many mp3's
Chatted on yahoo messenger and AIM with peeps

In short, I was bored, boring, and cranky. My allergies are still making me feel miserable and I couldn't eat meat today as I'm Catholic and it's Lent time. Make that extra cranky. One thing I don't understand is how Catholic vegetarians deal with Lent. Surely for them not eating meat on Friday is no sacrifice. If I have a tofu burger on Friday, it's penance. If they eat a tofu burger on Friday, it's the day after Thursday. In fact, to sate my arrogance they should be forced to eat meat on Fridays. I wanted to eat some chicken tacos tonight and was forced to consume a veggie burrito from Chipotle instead. Now I'm doomed to a case of what Dave Chappelle lovingly refers to as "mud butt". In order to appease my nowhere near righteous sense of indignation about this, I'm going to go find a Catholic vegan tonight and force him/her to eat a bucket of the colonel's special recipe right in front of my face. Do it for Jesus....

Surely my blaspheming ways probably isn't elevating anyone's opinion of me or Catholics in general, but I read on this site that my kind conspired to assassinate Abe Lincoln too.

Oh well, I hardly ever post about religion or religious topics, so it'll be back to beer drinking and kareoke stories next week.

I am a 25-year-old 3rd Grader

2005-03-09T11:25:00.000-08:00

I've always really wanted a cool job like Tom Hanks did in "BIG". Back when that movie came out, I thought designing and testing toys would be the best job a person could have. That was back when action figures were still cool, though. Back when we (me and those unfortunate enough to hang out with me) would have funerals for our brave GI Joes that fell in the war against Cobra.

Now the action figure market suffers from merchandising overkill. Mattel currently ranks among the worst with their over merchandising of Batman. We have such awful incarnations as "Artic Wing" Batman, or "Crocodile Armor" Batman. Batman lives in Gotham City... defending Gotham probably doesn't require special Eskimo or Steve Irwin powers. I swear, every time I open an issue of Toy Fare at Charles's house (Geek comrade) we spurn at the crap that passes for Batman toys. In fact, Charles and I thought we could create something at least as awful without even trying. And thus our new action figure was born. Before you comment on how horrible the Photoshop is, Charles turned this out in the time it took me to eat a 2-inch stack of Pringles.

In other news, my brother finally updated his blog. What a rare occasion today is. Now if you'll excuse me, I have 5 hours left of my shift, and a lot of Anti-Bush game to play.

"Dance Like No One Is Watching" OR "Lance Armstrong and His Cycling Buddies Can Eat My Ass"

2005-03-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

I'm too lazy and/or ADD ridden to decide on 1 title and topic today, so enjoy this bit of randomness.

Saturday, I went to my usual spot to listen to 80's music, drink, dance, and sing in no particular order. What made this weekend a little different from my normal outing was the addition of an Elvis impersonator to the mix. Some people at the club were throwing a 50th birthday party for one of their friends and had hired him as entertainment. He sang a few songs with the house band, and wasn't too shabby. After his set, we snuck our way onto one of the tables in the private party and hung out for a bit, and got his business card. I didn't realize that the Wichita market had an Elvis impersonator. From the wording of his card, he had competition in this market. He claimed to be the finest impersonator in the state. I would think if he was the only impersonator, he would have that information on the card. I wonder if there is a hidden Elvis impersonating subculture in Kansas that I'm blissfully unaware of. Perhaps they have meetings at the American Legion to discuss issues plaguing impersonators in this state, whatever they may be. I can imagine the Elvis-impersonating lobby would be a lot stronger in other states like Nevada, but not here.

In other news, the weather is getting warmer here, which means two things. Firstly, my allergies are going ballistic and I'm quite miserable. Secondly, there is an army of cyclists that have come out of hibernation to terrorize my neighborhood. Packs of 20 or so cyclists all in tight shorts, conical helmets, and "Live Strong" yellow rubber bands, hoard the city streets whilst making me late to work. Several things about this bother me.

Someone is able to ride bikes instead of working Mondays like the rest of the rest of us.
Traffic laws apparantly do not apply to cyclists.
A bicycle is slower than a car. 20 bicycles is slower than molasses.

If I had a snow plow I would push them all in the ditch while yelling "Live Strong Motherfucks!".

Fosset, Now First Person to Fly Solo Around The World

2005-03-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

7Online.com: Fosset, Now First Person to Fly Solo Around The World

Well, Steve Fossett successfully completed his 23,000 mile flight around the world and landed safely back in Salina, KS. Having been to Salina, I would have to say if I were flying around the world, I would want to land somewhere more interesting than Salina. Last I remember, their major attractions were a McDonald's and a Super-Walmart. Of course I haven't been there in awhile, so if any Salina residents read my blog, I don't mean any offense. Your town could have spontaneously gotten cool in the year it's been since I've stopped to refuel on the way to Kansas City/Lawrence. I just highly doubt it.

Not that Wichita is any tourist gem, but at least we will get the occasional Japanese tourist who wants to see the Home Depot where BTK shopped.

nos·talgic (-jk) adj. -- A bittersweet longing for things of the past

2005-03-02T12:54:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago, back when I first started blogging (as a Xanga-whore), I tried deeply to have purpose to my entries. I was political, but I didn't really enjoy ranting about it too much. Instead I went the route of the pop-culture junkie. Kind of like the character Rob from Nick Hornby's book "High Fidelity", I would want to quantify and review everything cultural either using bulleted/numbered lists or slightly retarded rating systems. Well, that and make thinly-veiled racist remarks about Teresa's Korean husband (she liked that pic so much she hung it up in her desk at our college newspaper). However, Xanga was/is the breeding ground of really bad teen cliques (Dawson's Creek/The O.C webrings), so I abandoned blogging for good (or so I thought at the time).

As I started my new job, I quickly became agitated about how process driven IT work is. I felt every last bit of creative oomph sucked out of me after just a few weeks. So the blog got restarted with a new name and new ambitions. I thought I could write witty pseudo-humorous essays kind of in the mold of Sedaris or Eggers, but that just wasn't me. The closest thing I came to an actual essay was about Socialist Fraggles. Most of the time, it's just typical brain droppings, though.

Anyhow, I think I'll get back to doing the occasional review, starting with my brother's blog. I rate it one gay Skeletor as he never feels the need to update or drink pitchers of beer with me anymore. Well, all the dribblings have passed from my brain to fingertips/keyboard, so I'm ending this now before I end up with a Pop's narrative. Hope everyone is having a superlative day.

My Guitar Wants to Kill Your Mama

2005-02-28T13:35:00.000-08:00

Okay so BTK is caught and confessed. No, I did not have an active part in it as much as MPH would like to believe. Me and my half-Indian sidekick have long retired ourselves from amateur detective-work. No, BTK does not stand for "Brent Tha Killa", James, although that would be a great gansta name if I ever formed an old school rap posse. I am alive and well, although I have not posted anything since this whole BTK revelation went down. I even took a "proof of life" picture first thing this morning to prove I was okay. I'm hesitant to post it though, because I hadn't shaved for 2 days, had itchy watery eyes from my allergies, and looked like crap in general. In fact, some might think I was actually an American hostage taken captive by South American guerrilas.

The freaky part about it all, is that BTK lived about 5 minutes from my house. In fact, when I went to the gym the other day, there was a TV crew next door filming about the "last known BTK parcel drop" at the Home Depot. If anyone sees a picture on MSNBC with the caption "Local Resident Likes To Use Stairmaster Next To Last Known Parcel Drop", it's probably the Brentster. I'm really ready to get out of this surreal media playground and back to reality, though. The local news has become a rapid exploitation machine. It's BTK 24X7. If they don't have any new updates on the case, they are interviewing victims' families for the umpteenth time to reask the painful question "So what does it feel like to have your loved one's tortured and murdered?". I wish they'd show some respect for the victims' families and just report UPDATES. Leave the victims' families to mourn, celebrate, or whatever it is they feel. I just know if one of my loved one's was murdered, I wouldn't want the media hounding me with my current feelings on the case.

In other news, I've found a guitar teacher and start lessons on Saturday. w00t.

Now listening to: Fugazi-- The Argument

A New Hero for A New Era

2005-02-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

Angle Grinder Man (check above link) has touched the hearts of many London parking-violators and given me hope in my secret fantasy of becoming a Super Hero. Now granted with my limited assortment of superpowers, I'm probably not going to make as much of an impact with my vigilante justice. I'll probably be more like one of the thousands of minor heroes from "the Tick" comic books. "The Cubicle Crusader" is the best name I can think of at the moment. Here's a summary of my questionable superpowers:

ability to scream like a cheerleader from a 70's slasher flick whenever danger rears its ugly head
ability to drink twice my body weight in coffee
unparalleled *workload dodging* instincts
can summon Jesus temporarily to hold Charles's car together during short car trips.
increased ability to resist seduction through 80's pop-diva concentration techniques
can go in customer-murdering berserker mode at the drop of the hat
Wielder of the "Clue bat" and "Panda-dog"

Maybe I can form a super hero group... some kind of Midwest expansion of the Avengers....

Anyways, please feel free to post your super hero ambitions, or just comment on my uncloseted comic book nerd-dom.

Now listening to: The Cure -- Join The Dots

My Local Economy is Fucked.... Here's the Comedy

2005-02-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

Boeing finalized the sale yesterday of its Wichita operations (after 80 years of business) to a Toronto investment firm, Onex. Boeing/Onex Wichita is the largest employer in Wichita, providing many a relative with work. Now employess have a 60 day grace period before they must re-apply for their jobs. I have no idea how this will turn out for the town, but I don't think it will end well.

Here's the comedy, there is a little dive bar that I sometimes frequent that is run by a Boeing worker of 37 years. He was so pissed off at the sale that he gave away beer for free for the whole evening yesterday. Well legally he couldn't GIVE away the beer, so Randy put up a sign saying "All beer -- 5 cents Canadian". It really didn't matter if you had money once you got through the door, it was all just one big happy support group. So I had a grand old time singing Hank Williams Jr. and Johnny Cash songs, sharing embarrassing past drunk moments, and drinking pints of cheap beer. We even made the 10:00 news. I'm semi-locally famous beoooootches! (well not really)

Here's what I learned:

In a midwest town, 80% of all males are named Randy
When a Repulican congressman tells you that a manufacturing plant is selling over his dead body, he just might be a liar
Johnny Cash and beer are as American as this guy
When girls talk about their drunk moments, a disproportionate amout of them are about stripping in front of large groups of strangers
Too many of my posts lately involve drinking in some way, and that makes me a saaaaaaadd panda

A Touch of Clarity...

2005-02-22T10:22:00.000-08:00

My brother recently inquired how he may avoid getting craploads of work as an underling. My answer: create your own imaginary underling. It's easy and fun! Just follow these easy steps:

Procure a desk plate with *imaginary associate*'s name on it. Deskplates from someone who was fired from another department work wonderfully here, especially since it can take IT weeks to remove e-mail accounts from the system.
Whenever you get an assignment, e-mail your boss saying that you've got another previous assignment in the works, and that *imaginary associate* will be working on this.
If questioned on who is doing any particular piece of work, pin it on *imaginary associate*
Continue loop of work piling until *imaginary associate* is terminated for non-attendance.
Secure your place as #1 lazy co-worker.

This will only work if the following criteria are in play:

Your boss has his head up his ass
Your department has plenty of disposable workers
IT doesn't actually do it's job

Also in response to the question of "Is Constantine any good", I would have to reply that it's in the same camp as DareDevil, Elektra, and Fantastic Four. I so hoped it would be as quality as the good comic movies that MPH mentioned, but it so isn't.

And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out....

2005-02-18T13:22:00.000-08:00

It's Friday, and everybody's working for the weekend.... especially me now that I am graced with the weekends off.

I would like to go back to the fun 80's bar this weekend (for more Duran Duran covers), but I have the sinking feeling I will get dragged back to that other 80's bar blogged about in January. I will attempt to make the best out of it.... no matter what there is probably a funny story to come out of it.

Tonight I am supposed to go see "Constantine" with my brother. I imagine its going to be shitty, as all comic book movies are. Somehow I can not NOT go see comic book movies. At least there are a few advantages to going and seeing this one:

The movie theatre I'm going to has a full bar
It can't suck too bad as its not a Jennifer Garner movie (cheap shot)

My blog seems to be getting a little dry. Hopefully I'll have something interesting and/or worthwhile soon. Until then, enjoy the drought of meaningful thought.

********UPDATE*************

I've joined the rest of the free world in getting a g-mail account. If anyone gives a rat's ass, you can mail me at brenticus@gmail.com.

GGGG---GGG--maaaaaailll!

Fuck TPS Reports!

2005-02-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

Well, as some of you may know, I'm no longer a 3rd shift night monkey. I'm finding out quickly about all the survival tactics one needs to know to work 1st/2nd shift around here. I feel like I'm in Bizarro world. The regular rules of engagement just don't apply around here. I've compiled a short list of tips here, just in case anyone gets stuck in this type of environment.

Treat the office like a prison. Pick a fight or make someone your bitch on your first day.
Beware of nerf weapons and footballs. These are the weapons of your co-workers and your enemies. Set your monitor to the side of your cube slightly so you have better peripheral vision. They will not hesitate to nail you in the back of the head while typing or on the phone.
Be prepared to carry the workload. Most people are lazy bastards by nature.
Post-it notes are like disposable coasters.
Put all edibles in lockable cabinets. My granola stash is fortunately secured from rabid cube scavengers.
The customers during the daytime are actually weirder than the European and Asian customers we get at night. Weirdest customer of the day: we had a guy rambling on about "I didn't watch my buddies get their face shot off in Nam just to have you punks ask us for that serial number/contract number bullshit". Keep in mind that I deal in business to business and government contracts. No this wasn't a military or intelligence customer, they have manners.
It is still safe to watch TV after the bosses go home.

....And Then Brent Got Drunk Pt. 238

2005-02-13T21:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, I think I enjoyed my newfound free weekends too full of freedom on Saturday night. I went to a nice bar called "Margaritas" with my friends to enjoy a really nice house band that plays all kinds of cool pop tunes from the 80's. Well to make a long story short, I was force fed tequilla shots and started to get a little too relaxed and started busting out 80's dance moves you can only see now-a-days when TBS reruns "Can't Buy Me Love". I guess I was also singing out all the lyrics to Duran Duran and Billy Ocean songs while this girl was trying to start up a conversation with me. After a few minutes I was told she got tired of me belting out "Hungry Like A Wolf" and gave up on me. As sad as it is in my dateless state, I still think its kind of funny that I scorned a girl for Duran Duran.

I am Brent's finely tuned art of repulsion.

A Life More Ordinary?

2005-02-11T08:46:00.000-08:00

Well, things are getting better for me slowly but surely. Tonight is the last night for me on the graveyard shift. I shall be a Kansas vampire no more. I'm getting bumped somewhere inbetween 1st and 2nd shift, and I'm getting my weekends back. This kind of schedule will give me some semblance of a human life that I previously just blogged about having. It also puts me in much greater visibility for further promotions as I can now schmooz the management while they are still at the office. Not that I'm very good at schmoozing.

I got a call from one of my best friends, Craig, last night as well. Seems he is looking at buying a 2-3 bedroom condo in the museum district and he's looking to me as a potential roommate. This would satisfy my pseudo-hipster fantasy of being able to get out of bed and walk down the block to the art museum in the summer.

I also drank cheap Australian wine last night and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. Good stuff.

Yahoo! News - American Wins Trans-Atlantic Pancake Race

2005-02-09T01:57:00.000-08:00

Yahoo! News - American Wins Trans-Atlantic Pancake Race

Way to go Kansas! Just goes to show that just because a state is full of fat dumbass rednecks, doesn't mean that we can't run the fuck out of some pancakes!

Image blantantly hotlinked from Fark.com forums

My state pride is overflowing at the moment...

Now listening to:
Menomena: I am the Fun Blame Monster -- probably my favorite album of 2005 so far

The Walkmen: Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me is Gone --Love me some Walkmen

The Advantage: Self-Titled -- Indie garage rock band covers nintendo theme songs... as pleasurably geeky as it sounds

Evasive Answers to Probing Questions

2005-02-08T01:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's the answers to the questions from yesterday in order they were received.

Steph's inquiries:
1. What is your biggest fear?
Robots, because they have strong metal hands and I can't get away

2. What is your fave John Cusask movie?
Young Cusack: Better off Dead Mature Cusack: Hi Fidelity

3. What is your most embarrassing moment?
Forgetting to lock the bathroom door whilst "combing my hair". I think every 12 year old has had this happen at one time.

4. If you could be granted one wish, what would it be?
An army of hyper- intelligent monkeys with super powers

MPH's interrogation:
1. Is kickboxing the sport of the future?
Ask Don "The Dragon" Wilson. If it isn't, I think it will be after hearing that Jean Claude VanDamme intends to return to professional fighting (specifically K-1). I would pay good money to see him get beat down.

2. Do you believe in ageism?
I dislike Emo-people, does that count?

3. What the hell happened to Ione Skye?
I keep her locked in a room in my basement. She has to look at me lovingly everytime I throw on a duster and hold a boom box over my head if she wants food to be slid under the door at regular intervals.

4. Do you want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. Or do you want to sell anything bought or processed... or buy anything sold or processed... or process anything sold, bought or processed... or repair anything sold, bought or processed. You know, as a career, do you want to do that?
I have no idea what you are talking about, but I think I hate it.

Questions from James:
1. If you had a choice between being the top notch scientist in your field or being dead, which one would you choose? It's not a hard question, Brent.
It's pretty much the same thing. If I'm the top scientist in my field I will be targeted for assassination by rival governments for creating an unstoppable army of Bob Uecker clones

2. What are your thoughts on the psuedo Hitler youth association known as, 'The Boy Scouts' ?
They don't sell cookies. In order to forward the aryan cause, one must sell cookies.

3. Do you ever feel like Amish poeple are plotting your death?
I think they are using their big barns to hide their hi-tech weapons labs of death. I don't buy that horse and buggy shit for a minute.

4. Favorite cereal from childhood, and favorite cereal now?
Lucky Charms. Favorite cereal now is the one where those wicker bricks get mushy in milk. Yum.

Like how I snuck in an extra question there at the end? Good huh? Shit.. I'm counting seven now..
I'm not answering your extra questions.... cheater...

Larry's Question:
Top four musical crimes committed during the nineties by formerly great artists?
1. Eddie Murphy making the switch from comedy to an excrementally bad pop album.
2. Prince forming the New Power Generation and changing his name to that tapeworm looking symbol.
3. U2 putting out Zooropa and Pop, if I wanted to listen that europop shit I'd go back to Germany and get molested by a Turkish man in the pub (again).
4. REM for making progressively worse albums post "Automatic for the People"

Questions Ala Jenn:
1. Identify your inner child's age, gender, favorite toy, and favorite activity.
It's more like my outer child. She's 10, loves tinkertoys, and wants a scooter for her birthday.

2. Name and explain your biggest fear.
Well if not robots, then the possibility Congress will amend the constitution to elect G.W. Bush for a life term of ineptitude.

3. Worst mistake you've ever made?
(See previous rants about ex-girlfriends)

4. One thing you'd change about yourself, either physically or otherwise.
Keeping the hair on top of my head would be nice. I'm developing a rather slick "Power V".

So I Slept Through The Superbowl...

2005-02-06T22:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Blogshere:

I apologize for missing the most important sporting event of the year... yada yadda. The thing is, I work 3rd shift and I was just plain tired. Besides, all my co-workers have confirmed that it was a poorly played game with shitty commercials. I think I lack the competitive spirit to enjoy a good game of football anyways. I might catch the game next year, but only if there are more commercials with monkeys.

Valentine's Day is coming up, and I am moping out with plans of staying home and watching old John Cusack movies. I may cry, but that's only because "Say Anything" is a damn good movie. Some day I will kickbox my way into another girl's heart, but for now I'll just watch it on TV.

I saw linked on another blog, the idea of answering 4 questions from whoever commented. So there it is, ask me any 4 questions and I'll post answers later. Yes, this whole stealing another blog's idea is because I'm running on empty and don't want to think of a proper topic for a few days.

My Distraction is My Defense Against This Lack of Inspiration

2005-02-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Blogger:

Well today has been pretty uneventful. I caught up on some much needed sleep, yet I am still tired. Tonight I hung out at Charles' house with ye' olde anime club crew. We were supposed to have a going away party for Matt, but he didn't show up until I had to go to work. I did get to see him and say goodbye at least. Most of the night was spent harrassing Teresa while she tried to play Super Mario World. Super Mario World is a tough game by itself if you have Teresa's reflexes. She was having an especially hard time since I attempted to give her a particularly sexy lapdance on 5 seperate occasions. It actually wasn't particularly sexy, but I give myself an 'A' for effort. I am Brent's unrepentant dorkiness....

P.S. Big ups to anyone who knows which artist my title comes from.

On the Road/Thoughts about Fitness

2005-02-04T21:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog Readership:

Well, I'm back from KC. It was a lovely time and I did slather about in some bbq. However, the thing I like most is the actual process of the road trip. There are lots of interesting things to see, as long as you lower your expectations. Kansas is so backwards with their tourism promotion. Our official slogan has changed to "As big as you think...". This is probably the second most retarded thing I've heard that didn't come from George Bush's mouth. I've decided to single handedly spice up Kansas tourism with my blog campaign for previously unmarketed tourist opportunities that I saw on my way to KC. Here's some sites of interest:

Cassado, KS: Home of the world's largest prarie chicken. Yes, LARGE FUCKING CHICKEN. How large exactly I don't know. I didn't stop to see because I was worried it would be a Sinbad-sized beast that would lift up my car and gnash its beak on my bones.
Topeka, KS: Wil Wheaton lives here. Topeka is cool for no other reason.
Buttfuck, Egypt: Home of the National Teacher's Hall of Fame Amazingly my highschool teacher of "principles of technology" didn't make the cut. He was a football coach and last minute replacement after the original physics teacher fell ill. He actually knew nothing about technology, but instead let us watch episodes of 'Dragnet'. In other news, there are huge gaps in my education.
Burton, KS: Home of the Burton Antique Mall and Restraunt. You can't miss the turn to get there, there is a rusted out car on the side of the road that makes a handy marker. It's even got an arrow with "Antique Mall and Restraunt" painted on it with white spray paint. Judging from the sign, the quality of the antiques are fan-freaking-tastic. Best time to go: after dark so you can see the Christmas lights on the restraunt light up to spell the word "EATS".

While in Kansas City, I got to workout on my friend's Bowflex. I'm reminded why I don't like most home gym equipment. They try to cram so many exercises into one machine, making it totally complicated to operate. However, there is one thing Bowflex has that everyone loves: pulleys. That's why I'm coming up with my own home gym machine called "A Bunch of Fucking Pulleys". Just attach "A Bunch of Fucking Pulleys" to something heavy and go to work on your target area. Anything heavy will do. Some favorites include a cargo net full of cinder blocks, a large rock, various furniture, and small logs. Build muscle and lose fat in no time! Shit, Conan the Barbarian got strong working slave-labour at a rock quarry. Use the same proven muscle building techniques without the downside of slavery! I should really get Chuck Norris to help me do an infomercial for this if he can get out of his contract with Total Gym. If I could get either him or George Foreman, I'd have a product.

Ending thought: If anyone wants to contribute any venture capital to either of my proposed operations, you can Paypal me at the email address in my profile, or just AIM me and call me a lamer.

The secret word is "slather"

2005-02-02T01:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog:

Well, in the past couple days my job description has undergone a few major changes that now prevents me from watching so many epidsodes of "24'" at work. Now as well as being level 2 international RAID support, I'll be getting internal help desk calls as well. This pretty much turns me into the help desk guy from the IBM commercials that are going around on the TV. Internal help desk calls are usually quite stupid. Here's an exagerration of some of the calls I'm likely to get:

How do I talk to girls? Because I don't know how...
Is this the Help Desk?
I can't find the Internet
This girl on AIM put me on her block list... how do I get around it?
When is E-bay coming back up?
What is the cafeteria serving for lunch today?
I am a waste paper basket of human feces

Actually questions 1 and 4 are personal problems I plan on submitting to IBM's helpdesk...

Tomorrow I'm taking a break from the internet and going to Kansas City for 2 days. I plan on eating a hell of a lot of good bbq, and slathering around in a large vat of sauce. After that me and the good Dr. will probably go hang out and drink some beer or some dego red. Then all the girls will hit on him as he is the buff handsome Dr. Meanwhile, I plan on hitting some golf balls from his patio at the bank at the bottom of the hill.

When I get back in town I've got to sign up for some guitar lessons. I found a cool teacher, and I'm ready to start at it. I plan on remaking the video from the White Stripes--Seven Nation Army when I get better. Here 's a short preview of what to expect.

...I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore

/OUT

P.S. for those of you who were curious... Cracker Barrel is the redneck equivalent of IHOP only with much better food. The IHOP at North Rock Rd. sucks. Our waitress was muttering to herself the entire time. We hoped to leave before the voices in her head told her to kill.

Don't Tell Lars

2005-01-31T04:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog:

I decided today that I would actually try buying some music today. I've been a horrible Bittorrent whore lately, contributing the following albums to the "big ipod" at work:

Adem -- Homesongs
Echo and the Bunnymen -- Porcupine
Belle and Sebastian -- If You Are Feeling Sinister
Bjork -- Medulla
Neutral Milk Hotel -- In An Aeroplane Over the Sea
Nelly McKay -- Get Away From Me
Libertines -- Up the Bracket and Self Titled
The Fiery Furnaces -- Gallowsbird's Bark
and probably others

To somewhat atone for stealing so much music, I bought the following:

Pinback -- Summer In Abbadon
Guided By Voices -- whatever their last album was called
Menomena
Walkmen's debut album

I also bought a guitar online today. It's an SX SST62 Stratocaster copy. Message boards said it's pretty good for a guitar that's probably made with child labour. Now I just need to find an instructor near me. Most likely, even with instruction I will suck balls.

I'm reminded of my "I Hate The OC" post from a few weeks back. In addition to those previous thoughts, it's making me a complete asshole. Someone I know heard Elliott Smith on the last episode, and asked me when he was planning on recording his next album. I just returned a dirty look, but wanted to say it was either called "I can't sing with a punctured lung" or "Dig me up and I'll play you a tune". I don't know where this bitterness at musical ignorance is coming from, but next person who asks me if I like "Relient K" is going to have a brick tossed in their direction. I make sure to attach a chain to my bricks, so that I can retrieve and throw again in case I miss.

In other news, I've probably gotten 10 hours of sleep since Friday, so I'm cranky. I'm going to IHOP now, and then I'm going to go punish myself at the gym.

I can speel reel good

2005-01-29T03:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog:

I decided that I want to start spelling certain words the Anglo way. No more American bastardizations of words. From now on it's favOUrite, rumOUrs, colOUrs, and MOUrrissey....

Work has been REALLY dull tonight. I'm not a huge fan of third shift anyways, but I've been averaging only an hours worth of actual work per shift. That leaves a good 8 hours of watching TV, scouring the net for new bands, and reading. It all sounds fine at first, but the lack of a need for motivation and the lack of social interaction is starting to drag me down. My new boss e-mailed me today looking to learn the schedule and perhaps shuffle it around. Maybe I'll get lucky and get moved, who knows. Maybe I'll be able to use some actual job skills as well. I didn't go to college to watch episodes of "24" all night. To remedy my situation a bit, I'm taking another trip up to Kansas City on my days off this upcoming week. I've got an appointment with the good doctor (my best friend Aaron, who is consequently a doctor) to drink a few beers and paint the town yellow. A good time to be had by all.

P.S. The Dears -- No City Left Behind is a pretty good album. It reminds me of old Smith's records.

What Nightmares May Come

2005-01-28T03:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went out with my sister and Kandra to my favourite hole in the wall bar, Morts. Morts is cool enough to be listed in Cigar Afficiado as one of the happening places in Kansas. The drink specials for a Thursday at Mort's includes $2.50 pints of Guinness, Bass, or Black and Tan (Guinness and Bass mixed together to create this neato parfait effect). I started off drinking Bass, which is perfectly fine by itself. After listening to some smooth jazz and eating several baskets of spicy popcorn, I switched to Guinness. I figured this would be a nice combination and that the loveliness of a Black and Tan would be mixed in my stomach. For the most part, I think this is still correct.

When I got home I was so tired/fatigued that I crashed right away (well almost). That's when the horrible dreams started. I started having traumatic flashbacks to working at Office MAX and dealing with *shudder* customers. The typical Office MAX customer is kind of like Milton from the movie "Office Space". Instead of a stapler fetishist though, most of the time I dealt with pen freaks. Pen freaks are people that want you to sell them a pen as if it were a Cadillac. They require wooing. They need to swoon at the sheer description of a uniball micro pen. Here's a sample of the typical sale:

Brent: Hi, can I help you with something?
Pen freak: I need the Excalibur of pens!
Brent: These uniballs are pretty nice, they are nice and smooth until the last drop of ink.
Pen freak: Can you describe the manufacturing process of a Uniball?
Brent: No
Pen freak: How can you guarantee the quality of your product then?
Brent: It's a pen. If it doesn't write, you can return it I guess.
Pen freak: Will you compensate me for gas on the return trip?
Brent: NO
Pen freak: How are these Bic Click-A-Sticks?
Brent: They write
Pen freak: Is that the best sell you can come up with?
Brent: That army of Post-It's doesn't stand a chance against your well-trained platoon of Bic click pens.
Pen freak: That's better.

Inevitibly when thinking of the customers, I'm always reminded of the boss. My particular boss was named Dick Heineman (pronounced Hiny man). With a name like that, we didn't even bother with a nickname. Dick was the epidemy of the Napoleon complex. He was shorter than me, and had a mean temper. He always had to assert his authority with strange outbursts. My personal favourite is "If you mess up in school, I'll kick your ass just like you were one of my kids". The funny thing is, his son was on a wrestling scholarship at Penn State. I could never imagine this strapping kid crying for mercy as his tiny fat father whipped him with a belt for getting a D in Pottery. Dick Heineman is now a district manager for GNC. Beefcake!

Anyways, I think I've narrowed down the cause of the bad dreams to the following:

using my stomach to mix the Black and Tan
too much spicy popcorn
trying to decipher what the Neutral Milk Hotel's album is really about

I've resorted to looking at my stash of cute kitten photos to ease myself into a sense of slumber, and it's working. Check this one out.

I feel better already.

B.E.A.M.S --> Boredom Eats Away At My Soul

2005-01-26T01:55:00.000-08:00

I hate acronyms, yet I am doomed to create and use them. So far nothing amazing has happened, although I remain hopeful. The weeks of waking up when it is dark and sleeping when the sun comes up are wearing me thin. Thankfully I've got the next few days off to fit in some social interaction.... or maybe just a $5 pitcher of wonderful Wichita microbrewed beer. Here's a short list of crap I've been up to/will be up to:

replaying old Nintendo games.... long live Mike Tyson's Punch Out
Watching "24" episodes at work. I'm not a TV person, but this should have been called "Crack for your eyes"
Rediscovering 90's bands I had love affairs with.... ah the beauty of a "Yo La Tengo" album
I'm going to see a personal trainer tomorrow... it's going to be like that episode of MTV's "Made" where the 98 pound weakling wants to be on the wrestling team.
Annoying my brothers girlfriend (with the help of brother) can be fun. We decided to yell "whammy!" when anyone got shot in an episode of "24". After about 2 consecutive "Waaaahaaaammy!" yells, my brother got the death look. Sometimes it's nice to be single.
Putting up interesting pictures around my cube
Not having as much immature fun as my brother.
Saturday I'm supposed to go to my cousin's 5th birthday party. Sadly this is the first party I've been to in awhile. I hope I don't get drunk and hit on the single moms... or the married ones.

Funny one-liner of the day (courtesy of Mitch Hedberg):
"I bought a parrot because it could talk; it didn't ask me for food though, so it died"

Pessimism, Quotes, and Knife Wielding Monkeys

2005-01-20T22:59:00.000-08:00

"A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation."
--Adlai Stevenson

I wonder what Adlai Stevenson would say today about Bush's inaugural address today? After all, Bush did have the gall to say the following:

"America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling."

My reaction to this was somewhat violent. I happened to be eating a bowl of generic corn chex at the time (my morning/your afternoon) when my brother gave me the script of his speech with that particular line circled in blue ink. I proceeded in inhale a whole corn chex morsel through my nasal passages, where it was promptly ejected like a wicker chair in a hurricane. My second thought was "That fucking hurt". My first thought was "Is this some sort of joke?"
I honestly thought maybe the teleprompter guys were having a bit of fun at George's expense. I can picture Karl Rove jumping in the teleprompter booth and yelling "You assholes!! You know he'll read anything you put on there!" I don't think I could be more baffled if his speech was about the liberating experience of a monkey knife fight.

If you believe that the current foreign and domestic policy is about personal liberty, freedom from oppression, and morality, I apologize for offending you in this post. All I can see is thinly veiled imperialism, unchecked capitalism, and de-socialization of our social programs. I figure some who read this may think I'm a Marxist. I can assure you that you are wrong, as I don't think envy and redistribution are good foundations for a government. However, as an economics student, I can also tell you that there is a fine line between too much policy enforcement, and not enough. I think we are stuck in a situation much like in the days of Standard Oil, where the Rockafeller was the "king" and the government's policy his "vassel". The Bush policy on just about everything rubs me the wrong way. From a business standpoint, it sucks. From a international relations standpoint, it blows. If I go into detail here, this will turn into an 80 page thesis, and I already have my degree. So fuck that.

In other news, my friend said I was like the "straight David Sedaris" tonight. I can appreciate that, but I think I'm a little bit more pessimistic than Sedaris. I was perusing my bookshelf the other day and found a gift from my first serious girlfriend (who after a 5 year relationship, ran off with an older gentleman who worked for Sony, marrying him after a few months). This nice little coffeetable book called "I Hate This Place: The Pessimist's Guide To Life". I'll leave you with a nice little quote from this book, then I'll suppress all feelings of growing old and dying alone until I dream tonight of being hunted down by the enforcers from "Logan's Run".

When people say:

"You have that 'retro' look."

They really mean:

"You're really trying hard to look young."

Bis Morgen,

Brent

Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number OR Exploiting the Elderly

2005-01-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a boring past week. So uneventful in fact I have to recount drinking stories from my sister's birthday. My sister is what I would call popular/beautiful and likes the exact same social scene that I work my damndest to avoid, the "clubbing scene". I tend to like hole in the wall bars with great music, cigar tolerance, and Guinness on tap. My sister likes bright flashy lights, dance floors covered in dried beer, crappy techno constisting of 2 sounds (Ooonz OOOnz), watered down drinks, and *GASP* cover charges. So we go to a club with all the above mentioned characteristics on Friday for her birthday called Flashbacks. I've been there once before and was pleasantly surprised by the lack of skanks and presence of 80's memorabilia. I want to steal half that swag, especially the pictures of Molly Ringwald (if I had more Ringwald swag, I would build a Buddhist style shrine to her in my closet) and the rubic's cube disco ball. Friday was much the same as my previous visit, except for the lack of skanks.

This particular night, I felt like I was on a episode of "Carnivale". The first oddity was the woman working the "beer tub". For those of you unfamiliar with the club standard of the "beer tub", it's basically a big washtub filled with ice and longnecks of Coors or Bud. The beer tub is traditionally manned by a girl in a bikini. Well this was the oldest beer tub-bikini girl I had ever seen. It was perhaps the only beer tub- bikini girl that had already experienced menopause. After getting a beer and sitting down at a booth, my friend Kevin remarked how her stretch marks resembled a treasure map (subsequent dialogue involved a possible plot device for a Goonies sequel). My brother had some quip comparing the whole joint to the Arby's 5 Roast Beef Sandwiches for $5.55 special. Clean conversation was pretty non-existant for most of the night. We almost didnt' notice our other friend shout "I teach their kids!" while pointing to another middle aged woman gyrating against two other guys. My guess for all this craziness: Usher/Lil' Jon songs. I think I'm done with clubs for a little while.

"Play me some Crunk music and I'll take my top off"

*edit* It appears the Arby's special is now 5 for $5.95

Red vs. Blue

2005-01-17T02:15:00.000-08:00

Why the hell to I care about this webtoon? I don't like Halo, and even played Halo 2 at a friends house for several hours without realizing that I wasn't playing the first Halo. That's how little I care about Halo. However, I'm bored enough right now that I'm watching episode after episode of lame red vs. blue Halo webtoons. My lameness knows no bounds. I hate Halo. If I had access to an NES emulator, I'd be playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out right now.

Peace Out.

Hidden Joys of Speakerphones

2005-01-12T01:15:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I have been losing the war on boredom in the past few days, which explains why I haven't posted since then -- lack of motivation and happenings. So inbetween watching episodes of Spaced or DVD screeners (today was "In Good Company"), we've invented a game using our friend, the speakerphone. I used to hate the speakerphone with a passion when I was an intern. It's annoying and the sound quality is usually shite. However, when you want to mess with co-workers, the speakerphone is your bestest friend. Here's a few tips on how to do so:

1. The distance trick-- while you are on the speakerphone, vary your distance from the speaker and change directions. Faking shortness of breath and jogging in place is advisable. If the co-worker asks you what you are doing, get really defensive.

2. Fun with numbers-- whenever you have to recite a number over the phone, especially an long id number such as a product#, have your cubicle neighbor interject random numbers, letters, and dashes while you are trying to talk. If the co-worker gets miffed, feign anger at cubicle neighbor

3. Dumb and Dumber(er)-- call up one of your friends on speakerphone with cube neighbor on standby. Barage friend with alternating calls of "Mock---Yeah!" "Ing---Yeah!" "Bird---Yeah!"
Hanging up quickly thereafter is advised.

4. Bullhorn-- Print out an random e-mail and roll it into a makeshift megaphone. Call up same friend on speakerphone and spill out jibberish.

5. Just be an A-hole-- I tend to pick on my favorite third shift engineer for this one. Assign her a case out of order (if she is supposed to get a case last, give it to her first). When she complains, just say something to the effect of "I don't want to give it to *other female engineer here*, she's too pretty". Telling a woman that she is getting a heavier workload because the other female employee is prettier is kind of a dick move, make sure you apologize later. This situation can be customized to any business.