Portland's Fear of Public Urination
I think that's the catchiest headline I've had in awhile. I just got back from a weekend business trip in Portland, and thought I'd give an extremely biased and possibly offensive evaluation based on my two days in the city.
Observation #1: You guys really like your organic stuff. The veg is organic. The beef is organic. The beer and the coffee are also organic. The resulting BM.... toxic.
Observation #2: I can't navigate your city. I got lost and popped out the other side of Portland somewhere around Beaverton and Lewis & Clark College. I repeated this several times. You make me feel retarded, Portland. I will still always think of Beaverton as Beavertown somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, however.
Observation #3: The urinal/stall ratio is quite a bit different in the Pacific Northwest. The restroom at the airport had at least 9 stalls and no more than 3 urinals. An astonishing 3:1 ratio. I blame your [Oregonion] liberal upbringing on instilling a great deal of shame in public urination. It's a far cry from the typical Kansan restroom, which usually consists of a horse trough surrounded by urinating cowfolk playing swords and a fecal bucket in the corner. The heightened stall ratio might be because of the effects of all that organic food though too.
Observation #4: You've got more emo myspace kids than we do.
Observation #5: I smell better after wallowing in my own filfth than the one guy with the neckbeard does at Mojo's Coffee Den. I just do okay.
It was a nice visit, but it is nice to be back home with my two kitties (Howard Taft and Trixie the Whore). I'm sure once I get a new digital camera (the last one was lost on the San Fransisco trip, some pics uploaded here), I'll upload some pics of them being retarded.
Observation #1: You guys really like your organic stuff. The veg is organic. The beef is organic. The beer and the coffee are also organic. The resulting BM.... toxic.
Observation #2: I can't navigate your city. I got lost and popped out the other side of Portland somewhere around Beaverton and Lewis & Clark College. I repeated this several times. You make me feel retarded, Portland. I will still always think of Beaverton as Beavertown somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, however.
Observation #3: The urinal/stall ratio is quite a bit different in the Pacific Northwest. The restroom at the airport had at least 9 stalls and no more than 3 urinals. An astonishing 3:1 ratio. I blame your [Oregonion] liberal upbringing on instilling a great deal of shame in public urination. It's a far cry from the typical Kansan restroom, which usually consists of a horse trough surrounded by urinating cowfolk playing swords and a fecal bucket in the corner. The heightened stall ratio might be because of the effects of all that organic food though too.
Observation #4: You've got more emo myspace kids than we do.
Observation #5: I smell better after wallowing in my own filfth than the one guy with the neckbeard does at Mojo's Coffee Den. I just do okay.
It was a nice visit, but it is nice to be back home with my two kitties (Howard Taft and Trixie the Whore). I'm sure once I get a new digital camera (the last one was lost on the San Fransisco trip, some pics uploaded here), I'll upload some pics of them being retarded.
posted by Brent at 1:43 PM
5 Comments:
There's nothing like the smell of one's own filth and cat poop. Welcome back!
You might want to get tested...make sure you didn't bring any Portland diseases back with you.
Last year, after an open bar reception at a conference, I ended up lost somewhere near Portland State U. On foot. At night. After several failed attempts at map reading, 2 hours of walking, and finally crossing a bridge over a highway, I called a cab. And was back at my hotel in about 6 minutes.
I love Portland.
I must have missed how you went from one cat to two. But their names are awesome, so rock on, crazy cat lady.
Larry Jones sent me over. Funny, funny stuff over here. (I do a *great* Johnny Carson imitation, can you tell?)
Love your blog -- oh, and the jazz hands.
Jazz hands are cool.
reeked of lame
Loved that.
Sorry to be off topic to this post. But, I'm the Queen of Off Topic Island. Or so I've been told.
I don't notice some of these things because I can't pee standing up. Thanks for the heads up. :)
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