On the Road/Thoughts about Fitness

Dear Blog Readership:

Well, I'm back from KC. It was a lovely time and I did slather about in some bbq. However, the thing I like most is the actual process of the road trip. There are lots of interesting things to see, as long as you lower your expectations. Kansas is so backwards with their tourism promotion. Our official slogan has changed to "As big as you think...". This is probably the second most retarded thing I've heard that didn't come from George Bush's mouth. I've decided to single handedly spice up Kansas tourism with my blog campaign for previously unmarketed tourist opportunities that I saw on my way to KC. Here's some sites of interest:

• Cassado, KS: Home of the world's largest prarie chicken. Yes, LARGE FUCKING CHICKEN. How large exactly I don't know. I didn't stop to see because I was worried it would be a Sinbad-sized beast that would lift up my car and gnash its beak on my bones.
• Topeka, KS: Wil Wheaton lives here. Topeka is cool for no other reason.
• Buttfuck, Egypt: Home of the National Teacher's Hall of Fame Amazingly my highschool teacher of "principles of technology" didn't make the cut. He was a football coach and last minute replacement after the original physics teacher fell ill. He actually knew nothing about technology, but instead let us watch episodes of 'Dragnet'. In other news, there are huge gaps in my education.
• Burton, KS: Home of the Burton Antique Mall and Restraunt. You can't miss the turn to get there, there is a rusted out car on the side of the road that makes a handy marker. It's even got an arrow with "Antique Mall and Restraunt" painted on it with white spray paint. Judging from the sign, the quality of the antiques are fan-freaking-tastic. Best time to go: after dark so you can see the Christmas lights on the restraunt light up to spell the word "EATS".

While in Kansas City, I got to workout on my friend's Bowflex. I'm reminded why I don't like most home gym equipment. They try to cram so many exercises into one machine, making it totally complicated to operate. However, there is one thing Bowflex has that everyone loves: pulleys. That's why I'm coming up with my own home gym machine called "A Bunch of Fucking Pulleys". Just attach "A Bunch of Fucking Pulleys" to something heavy and go to work on your target area. Anything heavy will do. Some favorites include a cargo net full of cinder blocks, a large rock, various furniture, and small logs. Build muscle and lose fat in no time! Shit, Conan the Barbarian got strong working slave-labour at a rock quarry. Use the same proven muscle building techniques without the downside of slavery! I should really get Chuck Norris to help me do an infomercial for this if he can get out of his contract with Total Gym. If I could get either him or George Foreman, I'd have a product.

Ending thought: If anyone wants to contribute any venture capital to either of my proposed operations, you can Paypal me at the email address in my profile, or just AIM me and call me a lamer.