My Guitar Wants to Kill Your Mama

Okay so BTK is caught and confessed. No, I did not have an active part in it as much as MPH would like to believe. Me and my half-Indian sidekick have long retired ourselves from amateur detective-work. No, BTK does not stand for "Brent Tha Killa", James, although that would be a great gansta name if I ever formed an old school rap posse. I am alive and well, although I have not posted anything since this whole BTK revelation went down. I even took a "proof of life" picture first thing this morning to prove I was okay. I'm hesitant to post it though, because I hadn't shaved for 2 days, had itchy watery eyes from my allergies, and looked like crap in general. In fact, some might think I was actually an American hostage taken captive by South American guerrilas.

The freaky part about it all, is that BTK lived about 5 minutes from my house. In fact, when I went to the gym the other day, there was a TV crew next door filming about the "last known BTK parcel drop" at the Home Depot. If anyone sees a picture on MSNBC with the caption "Local Resident Likes To Use Stairmaster Next To Last Known Parcel Drop", it's probably the Brentster. I'm really ready to get out of this surreal media playground and back to reality, though. The local news has become a rapid exploitation machine. It's BTK 24X7. If they don't have any new updates on the case, they are interviewing victims' families for the umpteenth time to reask the painful question "So what does it feel like to have your loved one's tortured and murdered?". I wish they'd show some respect for the victims' families and just report UPDATES. Leave the victims' families to mourn, celebrate, or whatever it is they feel. I just know if one of my loved one's was murdered, I wouldn't want the media hounding me with my current feelings on the case.

In other news, I've found a guitar teacher and start lessons on Saturday. w00t.

Now listening to: Fugazi-- The Argument

A New Hero for A New Era

Angle Grinder Man (check above link) has touched the hearts of many London parking-violators and given me hope in my secret fantasy of becoming a Super Hero. Now granted with my limited assortment of superpowers, I'm probably not going to make as much of an impact with my vigilante justice. I'll probably be more like one of the thousands of minor heroes from "the Tick" comic books. "The Cubicle Crusader" is the best name I can think of at the moment. Here's a summary of my questionable superpowers:

• ability to scream like a cheerleader from a 70's slasher flick whenever danger rears its ugly head
• ability to drink twice my body weight in coffee
• unparalleled *workload dodging* instincts
• can summon Jesus temporarily to hold Charles's car together during short car trips.
• increased ability to resist seduction through 80's pop-diva concentration techniques
• can go in customer-murdering berserker mode at the drop of the hat
• Wielder of the "Clue bat" and "Panda-dog"

Maybe I can form a super hero group... some kind of Midwest expansion of the Avengers....

Anyways, please feel free to post your super hero ambitions, or just comment on my uncloseted comic book nerd-dom.

Now listening to: The Cure -- Join The Dots

My Local Economy is Fucked.... Here's the Comedy

Boeing finalized the sale yesterday of its Wichita operations (after 80 years of business) to a Toronto investment firm, Onex. Boeing/Onex Wichita is the largest employer in Wichita, providing many a relative with work. Now employess have a 60 day grace period before they must re-apply for their jobs. I have no idea how this will turn out for the town, but I don't think it will end well.

Here's the comedy, there is a little dive bar that I sometimes frequent that is run by a Boeing worker of 37 years. He was so pissed off at the sale that he gave away beer for free for the whole evening yesterday. Well legally he couldn't GIVE away the beer, so Randy put up a sign saying "All beer -- 5 cents Canadian". It really didn't matter if you had money once you got through the door, it was all just one big happy support group. So I had a grand old time singing Hank Williams Jr. and Johnny Cash songs, sharing embarrassing past drunk moments, and drinking pints of cheap beer. We even made the 10:00 news. I'm semi-locally famous beoooootches! (well not really)

Here's what I learned:

• In a midwest town, 80% of all males are named Randy
• When a Repulican congressman tells you that a manufacturing plant is selling over his dead body, he just might be a liar
  
• Johnny Cash and beer are as American as this guy
• When girls talk about their drunk moments, a disproportionate amout of them are about stripping in front of large groups of strangers
• Too many of my posts lately involve drinking in some way, and that makes me a saaaaaaadd panda
  

A Touch of Clarity...

My brother recently inquired how he may avoid getting craploads of work as an underling. My answer: create your own imaginary underling. It's easy and fun! Just follow these easy steps:

1. Procure a desk plate with *imaginary associate*'s name on it. Deskplates from someone who was fired from another department work wonderfully here, especially since it can take IT weeks to remove e-mail accounts from the system.
2. Whenever you get an assignment, e-mail your boss saying that you've got another previous assignment in the works, and that *imaginary associate* will be working on this.
3. If questioned on who is doing any particular piece of work, pin it on *imaginary associate*
4. Continue loop of work piling until *imaginary associate* is terminated for non-attendance.
5. Secure your place as #1 lazy co-worker.

This will only work if the following criteria are in play:

• Your boss has his head up his ass
• Your department has plenty of disposable workers
• IT doesn't actually do it's job

Also in response to the question of "Is Constantine any good", I would have to reply that it's in the same camp as DareDevil, Elektra, and Fantastic Four. I so hoped it would be as quality as the good comic movies that MPH mentioned, but it so isn't.

And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out....

It's Friday, and everybody's working for the weekend.... especially me now that I am graced with the weekends off.

I would like to go back to the fun 80's bar this weekend (for more Duran Duran covers), but I have the sinking feeling I will get dragged back to that other 80's bar blogged about in January. I will attempt to make the best out of it.... no matter what there is probably a funny story to come out of it.

Tonight I am supposed to go see "Constantine" with my brother. I imagine its going to be shitty, as all comic book movies are. Somehow I can not NOT go see comic book movies. At least there are a few advantages to going and seeing this one:

• The movie theatre I'm going to has a full bar
• It can't suck too bad as its not a Jennifer Garner movie (cheap shot)

My blog seems to be getting a little dry. Hopefully I'll have something interesting and/or worthwhile soon. Until then, enjoy the drought of meaningful thought.

********UPDATE*************

I've joined the rest of the free world in getting a g-mail account. If anyone gives a rat's ass, you can mail me at brenticus@gmail.com.



GGGG---GGG--maaaaaailll!

Fuck TPS Reports!

Well, as some of you may know, I'm no longer a 3rd shift night monkey. I'm finding out quickly about all the survival tactics one needs to know to work 1st/2nd shift around here. I feel like I'm in Bizarro world. The regular rules of engagement just don't apply around here. I've compiled a short list of tips here, just in case anyone gets stuck in this type of environment.

1. Treat the office like a prison. Pick a fight or make someone your bitch on your first day.
2. Beware of nerf weapons and footballs. These are the weapons of your co-workers and your enemies. Set your monitor to the side of your cube slightly so you have better peripheral vision. They will not hesitate to nail you in the back of the head while typing or on the phone.
3. Be prepared to carry the workload. Most people are lazy bastards by nature.
4. Post-it notes are like disposable coasters.
5. Put all edibles in lockable cabinets. My granola stash is fortunately secured from rabid cube scavengers.
6. The customers during the daytime are actually weirder than the European and Asian customers we get at night. Weirdest customer of the day: we had a guy rambling on about "I didn't watch my buddies get their face shot off in Nam just to have you punks ask us for that serial number/contract number bullshit". Keep in mind that I deal in business to business and government contracts. No this wasn't a military or intelligence customer, they have manners.
7. It is still safe to watch TV after the bosses go home.
   

....And Then Brent Got Drunk Pt. 238

Okay, I think I enjoyed my newfound free weekends too full of freedom on Saturday night. I went to a nice bar called "Margaritas" with my friends to enjoy a really nice house band that plays all kinds of cool pop tunes from the 80's. Well to make a long story short, I was force fed tequilla shots and started to get a little too relaxed and started busting out 80's dance moves you can only see now-a-days when TBS reruns "Can't Buy Me Love". I guess I was also singing out all the lyrics to Duran Duran and Billy Ocean songs while this girl was trying to start up a conversation with me. After a few minutes I was told she got tired of me belting out "Hungry Like A Wolf" and gave up on me. As sad as it is in my dateless state, I still think its kind of funny that I scorned a girl for Duran Duran.

I am Brent's finely tuned art of repulsion.

A Life More Ordinary?

Well, things are getting better for me slowly but surely. Tonight is the last night for me on the graveyard shift. I shall be a Kansas vampire no more. I'm getting bumped somewhere inbetween 1st and 2nd shift, and I'm getting my weekends back. This kind of schedule will give me some semblance of a human life that I previously just blogged about having. It also puts me in much greater visibility for further promotions as I can now schmooz the management while they are still at the office. Not that I'm very good at schmoozing.

I got a call from one of my best friends, Craig, last night as well. Seems he is looking at buying a 2-3 bedroom condo in the museum district and he's looking to me as a potential roommate. This would satisfy my pseudo-hipster fantasy of being able to get out of bed and walk down the block to the art museum in the summer.

I also drank cheap Australian wine last night and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again. Good stuff.

Yahoo! News - American Wins Trans-Atlantic Pancake Race

Yahoo! News - American Wins Trans-Atlantic Pancake Race

Way to go Kansas! Just goes to show that just because a state is full of fat dumbass rednecks, doesn't mean that we can't run the fuck out of some pancakes!


Image blantantly hotlinked from Fark.com forums

My state pride is overflowing at the moment...

Now listening to:
Menomena: I am the Fun Blame Monster -- probably my favorite album of 2005 so far

The Walkmen: Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me is Gone --Love me some Walkmen

The Advantage: Self-Titled -- Indie garage rock band covers nintendo theme songs... as pleasurably geeky as it sounds

Evasive Answers to Probing Questions

Okay, here's the answers to the questions from yesterday in order they were received.

Steph's inquiries:
1. What is your biggest fear?
Robots, because they have strong metal hands and I can't get away

2. What is your fave John Cusask movie?
Young Cusack: Better off Dead Mature Cusack: Hi Fidelity

3. What is your most embarrassing moment?
Forgetting to lock the bathroom door whilst "combing my hair". I think every 12 year old has had this happen at one time.

4. If you could be granted one wish, what would it be?
An army of hyper- intelligent monkeys with super powers

MPH's interrogation:
1. Is kickboxing the sport of the future?
Ask Don "The Dragon" Wilson. If it isn't, I think it will be after hearing that Jean Claude VanDamme intends to return to professional fighting (specifically K-1). I would pay good money to see him get beat down.

2. Do you believe in ageism?
I dislike Emo-people, does that count?

3. What the hell happened to Ione Skye?
I keep her locked in a room in my basement. She has to look at me lovingly everytime I throw on a duster and hold a boom box over my head if she wants food to be slid under the door at regular intervals.

4. Do you want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. Or do you want to sell anything bought or processed... or buy anything sold or processed... or process anything sold, bought or processed... or repair anything sold, bought or processed. You know, as a career, do you want to do that?
I have no idea what you are talking about, but I think I hate it.

Questions from James:
1. If you had a choice between being the top notch scientist in your field or being dead, which one would you choose? It's not a hard question, Brent.
It's pretty much the same thing. If I'm the top scientist in my field I will be targeted for assassination by rival governments for creating an unstoppable army of Bob Uecker clones

2. What are your thoughts on the psuedo Hitler youth association known as, 'The Boy Scouts' ?
They don't sell cookies. In order to forward the aryan cause, one must sell cookies.

3. Do you ever feel like Amish poeple are plotting your death?
I think they are using their big barns to hide their hi-tech weapons labs of death. I don't buy that horse and buggy shit for a minute.

4. Favorite cereal from childhood, and favorite cereal now?
Lucky Charms. Favorite cereal now is the one where those wicker bricks get mushy in milk. Yum.

Like how I snuck in an extra question there at the end? Good huh? Shit.. I'm counting seven now..
I'm not answering your extra questions.... cheater...

Larry's Question:
Top four musical crimes committed during the nineties by formerly great artists?
1. Eddie Murphy making the switch from comedy to an excrementally bad pop album.
2. Prince forming the New Power Generation and changing his name to that tapeworm looking symbol.
3. U2 putting out Zooropa and Pop, if I wanted to listen that europop shit I'd go back to Germany and get molested by a Turkish man in the pub (again).
4. REM for making progressively worse albums post "Automatic for the People"

Questions Ala Jenn:
1. Identify your inner child's age, gender, favorite toy, and favorite activity.
It's more like my outer child. She's 10, loves tinkertoys, and wants a scooter for her birthday.

2. Name and explain your biggest fear.
Well if not robots, then the possibility Congress will amend the constitution to elect G.W. Bush for a life term of ineptitude.

3. Worst mistake you've ever made?
(See previous rants about ex-girlfriends)

4. One thing you'd change about yourself, either physically or otherwise.
Keeping the hair on top of my head would be nice. I'm developing a rather slick "Power V".

So I Slept Through The Superbowl...

Dear Blogshere:

I apologize for missing the most important sporting event of the year... yada yadda. The thing is, I work 3rd shift and I was just plain tired. Besides, all my co-workers have confirmed that it was a poorly played game with shitty commercials. I think I lack the competitive spirit to enjoy a good game of football anyways. I might catch the game next year, but only if there are more commercials with monkeys.

Valentine's Day is coming up, and I am moping out with plans of staying home and watching old John Cusack movies. I may cry, but that's only because "Say Anything" is a damn good movie. Some day I will kickbox my way into another girl's heart, but for now I'll just watch it on TV.

I saw linked on another blog, the idea of answering 4 questions from whoever commented. So there it is, ask me any 4 questions and I'll post answers later. Yes, this whole stealing another blog's idea is because I'm running on empty and don't want to think of a proper topic for a few days.

My Distraction is My Defense Against This Lack of Inspiration

Dear Blogger:

Well today has been pretty uneventful. I caught up on some much needed sleep, yet I am still tired. Tonight I hung out at Charles' house with ye' olde anime club crew. We were supposed to have a going away party for Matt, but he didn't show up until I had to go to work. I did get to see him and say goodbye at least. Most of the night was spent harrassing Teresa while she tried to play Super Mario World. Super Mario World is a tough game by itself if you have Teresa's reflexes. She was having an especially hard time since I attempted to give her a particularly sexy lapdance on 5 seperate occasions. It actually wasn't particularly sexy, but I give myself an 'A' for effort. I am Brent's unrepentant dorkiness....


P.S. Big ups to anyone who knows which artist my title comes from.

On the Road/Thoughts about Fitness

Dear Blog Readership:

Well, I'm back from KC. It was a lovely time and I did slather about in some bbq. However, the thing I like most is the actual process of the road trip. There are lots of interesting things to see, as long as you lower your expectations. Kansas is so backwards with their tourism promotion. Our official slogan has changed to "As big as you think...". This is probably the second most retarded thing I've heard that didn't come from George Bush's mouth. I've decided to single handedly spice up Kansas tourism with my blog campaign for previously unmarketed tourist opportunities that I saw on my way to KC. Here's some sites of interest:

• Cassado, KS: Home of the world's largest prarie chicken. Yes, LARGE FUCKING CHICKEN. How large exactly I don't know. I didn't stop to see because I was worried it would be a Sinbad-sized beast that would lift up my car and gnash its beak on my bones.
• Topeka, KS: Wil Wheaton lives here. Topeka is cool for no other reason.
• Buttfuck, Egypt: Home of the National Teacher's Hall of Fame Amazingly my highschool teacher of "principles of technology" didn't make the cut. He was a football coach and last minute replacement after the original physics teacher fell ill. He actually knew nothing about technology, but instead let us watch episodes of 'Dragnet'. In other news, there are huge gaps in my education.
• Burton, KS: Home of the Burton Antique Mall and Restraunt. You can't miss the turn to get there, there is a rusted out car on the side of the road that makes a handy marker. It's even got an arrow with "Antique Mall and Restraunt" painted on it with white spray paint. Judging from the sign, the quality of the antiques are fan-freaking-tastic. Best time to go: after dark so you can see the Christmas lights on the restraunt light up to spell the word "EATS".

While in Kansas City, I got to workout on my friend's Bowflex. I'm reminded why I don't like most home gym equipment. They try to cram so many exercises into one machine, making it totally complicated to operate. However, there is one thing Bowflex has that everyone loves: pulleys. That's why I'm coming up with my own home gym machine called "A Bunch of Fucking Pulleys". Just attach "A Bunch of Fucking Pulleys" to something heavy and go to work on your target area. Anything heavy will do. Some favorites include a cargo net full of cinder blocks, a large rock, various furniture, and small logs. Build muscle and lose fat in no time! Shit, Conan the Barbarian got strong working slave-labour at a rock quarry. Use the same proven muscle building techniques without the downside of slavery! I should really get Chuck Norris to help me do an infomercial for this if he can get out of his contract with Total Gym. If I could get either him or George Foreman, I'd have a product.

Ending thought: If anyone wants to contribute any venture capital to either of my proposed operations, you can Paypal me at the email address in my profile, or just AIM me and call me a lamer.

The secret word is "slather"

Dear Blog:

Well, in the past couple days my job description has undergone a few major changes that now prevents me from watching so many epidsodes of "24'" at work. Now as well as being level 2 international RAID support, I'll be getting internal help desk calls as well. This pretty much turns me into the help desk guy from the IBM commercials that are going around on the TV. Internal help desk calls are usually quite stupid. Here's an exagerration of some of the calls I'm likely to get:

• How do I talk to girls? Because I don't know how...
• Is this the Help Desk?
• I can't find the Internet
• This girl on AIM put me on her block list... how do I get around it?
• When is E-bay coming back up?
• What is the cafeteria serving for lunch today?
• I am a waste paper basket of human feces

Actually questions 1 and 4 are personal problems I plan on submitting to IBM's helpdesk...

Tomorrow I'm taking a break from the internet and going to Kansas City for 2 days. I plan on eating a hell of a lot of good bbq, and slathering around in a large vat of sauce. After that me and the good Dr. will probably go hang out and drink some beer or some dego red. Then all the girls will hit on him as he is the buff handsome Dr. Meanwhile, I plan on hitting some golf balls from his patio at the bank at the bottom of the hill.

When I get back in town I've got to sign up for some guitar lessons. I found a cool teacher, and I'm ready to start at it. I plan on remaking the video from the White Stripes--Seven Nation Army when I get better. Here 's a short preview of what to expect.


...I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore

/OUT

P.S. for those of you who were curious... Cracker Barrel is the redneck equivalent of IHOP only with much better food. The IHOP at North Rock Rd. sucks. Our waitress was muttering to herself the entire time. We hoped to leave before the voices in her head told her to kill.